In the Book of Mormon it tells of a family who crossed the ocean in eight barges. They were following the Lord's commands. These barges did not have steering wheels or steering devices of any sort. The families entered the barges knowing they were in the mercy of the Lord's hands as they stepped off of the dry, stable, land and boarded the ships toward the Promised Land, "commending themselves unto the Lord their God."
This scripture has had personal meaning to me over the past five months. I haven't put in any very serious blog entries since the early summer. It was the hardest summer of my life. Up until then I didn't think my single-mom situation was the hardest thing I've ever done. Summer was hard.
I feel promptings to blog. It's what I use as a journal and I look back years later and get much enjoyment and uplifting from my past entries. It's hard for me though because I never want to "air my dirty laundry" or cast pearls before swine. Not that the pearls I'm speaking of are spiritual but rather intimate pearls. I will share what I feel is appropriate.
I receive 3 incomes each month. Two of them are child support and one of them is from my business. My business has always been run with the intent of making ends meet and not to make me a million bucks. It doesn't profit what it would need to to support my family of six. With that said I would like to express my gratitude over the years and acknowledgment that the men in my life keep up on their responsibilities and how it enables me to be a stay at home mom. And how I've been so blessed as well to have a job where I can work in the home. My greatest passion in life is raising my children & being here for them "at the crossroads" of their days. It was during a General Conference somewhere around the time of 2007 when I heard the following recited during a talk. I found this excerpt tonight from a talk in General Conference, 1992:
Thomas S. Monson, then Second Counselor in the First Presidency, said, "President Benson has offered ten specific suggestions for mothers as they guide their precious children:
- 1. Take time to always be at the crossroads in the lives of your children, whether they be six or sixteen.
- 2. Take time to be a real friend to your children.
- 3. Take time to read to your children. Remember what the poet wrote:
- 4. Take time to pray with your children.
- 5. Take time to have a meaningful weekly home evening. Make this one of your great family traditions.
- 6. Take time to be together at mealtimes as often as possible.
- 7. Take time daily to read the scriptures together as a family.
- 8. Take time to do things together as a family.
- 9. Take time to teach your children.
- 10. Take time to truly love your children. A mother’s unqualified love approaches Christlike love.
I remember how strongly "always be at the crossroads" touched my heart when I heard it then. I feel passionately that being in the home is where the Lord would have me. This summer one of my sources of income started to become less stable. Far less. Just something that happens but it left me having to figure out what to do with what we've got.
"Do I get a job out of the home"? and "Is that the right choice"? "What do I do with Bentley"? "Will what I make out of the home compensate above & beyond what I would pay a babysitter & the what the vinyl company profits, which would obviously have to go by the wayside"?
"Did the Lord inspire me to start the vinyl business only to have it be a temporary means"?
"How will the girls handle so much responsibility with me out of the home and is that the right thing"? "Without a father in the home, is it right for them to lose a mother in the home to a full-time out-of-the-home job"? "What dumb job out of the home is going to matter as much as being a mother"?
My girls are in a full-out war with Satan. Some people may read my words and think I'm a religious extremist. I don't care. I have received far more knowledge and divine help in my life than I can deny. I can see the evil that is all around us in this world. I can see it in my own life and in my girl's lives. I know without a shadow of a doubt if I work out of the home that I will lose spiritual ground with my older girls especially. Even when I am here and working so hard to help them make good choices & to make sure they are learning and being provided for, that it feels we are all barely ok. However, on the second hand, I completely understand the need for temporal provisions. And I get the Lord would compensate if me working out of the home was the right choice. I get that we need income to survive, and basically, I understand the importance & need to be the provider. I understand the need to provide money for rent, bills & food. I have been accused of having the child support go to support me as well. To which I pondered on and came to the conclusion that the state comes up with an appropriate number for a father to pay to support his children. If I, being the mother, take that amount and, following the Lord's counsel, use it & sacrifice to do so with many temporal things I'd like to have, choose to live on it as a family, then that is my choice. Over the summer, as our financial situation deteriorated, much faith was exercised. Many tears were shed. I counseled with my church leaders and received help. Help that is emotionally humbling and exhausting to take. I inquired of the Lord what He would have me do. My bishop, Home Teacher & I individually received stupors of thought as we pondered the options I could come up with for my family. My counsel from my Bishop was to "wait upon the Lord, to see what would change or what new doors would open". We didn't get to go on any vacations. We cancelled our plans to drive to Indiana for a family reunion in June. We didn't get season passes to Splash Town like I'd hoped for. We didn't get to go to any water park or any fun get away. And that was ok. But it was hard. I desire to take my children on trips and not have it be such a battle to go to family gatherings that are less than 3 hours away, even. But it is what it is and we are not forsaken or forgotten. That is the hope I hold on to.
So, as the waves crashed against us and as the situation got worse and more scary I started feeling more strongly that I am exactly where the Lord would have me. In the home. With my kids. I can't even begin to express how ugly that makes the financial situation to be. Less income coming in but more knowledge of just staying put. It creates a perfect environment to completely and wholly rely on the merits of Jesus Christ to help me and to provide for me as I provide for my children. I pray that He goes before me and provides a way for me to provide for them. As I have pondered about the Book of Mormon prophet, Jared and his brother, Mahonri Moriancumer, and their dealings before boarding the barges and as they set sail, I am very much put in their shoes. Just in a different time period and on dry land. I also feel that we are in the barge, with no steering wheel and no control at all over the elements, being tossed around and under the water. With the light lit from faith in Christ. We are being led by the Lord to our promised land. One, hopefully, that will include a righteous man who will join me and be one in purpose with me in the Lord. I have prayed fervently that the Lord will touch my business, as he did the stones for Mahonri, and will bless it that orders will pour in and that I can provide for my children. That we can buy groceries and gas and pay the bills. I can't even write in words how heavy the burden of providing is. I worry every day about money. I go to the grocery store almost every day but Sunday. If not, it's every couple to few days because that's all the money I have for food at the time. I can't even express how many mornings I wake up not knowing what we will do for dinner or how to get the girls lunches or, get this, how to purchase the supplies I need for my business or to pay for shipping. Every last penny (and sometimes negative red pennies) go to getting what we need or what the business needs. Or to my diet drink which makes me happy.
I'm not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for us. I have come closer to the Savior during the last three years as a concentrated time period than I could have any other way I believe. I can't replace that nor would I want to. I also believe this experience has done wonders for my kiddos. They have seen many wonderful miracles and have had the opportunity to learn of gratitude and to not take things for granted. I do have high hopes each day that it will get easier in time or better. I have high hopes that the Lord will bring a faithful man into my life who loves the temple as much as I do. I have high hopes that I can focus on serving and raising children and less on financial stability or lack thereof. Very recently I had the realization during a nighttime prayer that I am working so hard to provide stability for my kids, especially my girls. So hard! Because since 2003-2010 we had moved 10 times and Braelyn had gone to 9 different schools and been through two divorces. :( When the Lord inspired me to move from Clear Lake to Spring (again to Spring) I felt very impressed to move in and plant roots and provide stability for the kids. So, that's what we are doing, and I am so grateful and it feels so good! But I am working so hard in providing stability for them and realized I have no stability for myself. It breaks my heart.
I am still figuring it out. Even just today I learned much in my situation has not changed. I am completely dependent on the Lord to provide a way. He always has and always does. It is almost always on a day to day basis and always as needed. I have been the recipient of many miracles. Several today even. (Literally!) <3
Tonight as I'm writing this entry I came across this quote and it's very fitting and beautiful: "When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice." -Quentin L. Cook, General Authority of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I know the Lord knows me. One Sunday a few weeks back I was so sad and struggling so much. I prayed before church and told Heavenly Father my greatest dreams and desires. Sitting in church awhile later the member of the bishopric, who happens to be my home teacher, gets up and announces that he had been doing his scripture study that morning but was only able to get through one verse. He wasn't sure why at the time but none the less, only one verse. He said "I now know why I could only read one. Some members of our ward are suffering under heavy burdens and Heavenly Father wants you to know He knows you." He then recited the one verse he was stuck on which reads:
"Behold and hearken, O ye elders of my church, who have assembled yourselves together, whose prayers I have heard, and whose hearts I know, and whose desires have come up before me." Doctrine & Covenants 67:1
That really touched my heart and lifted me. He had that experience before church began and before he saw me that day. He had that experience before my tears rolled down my face that Sacrament meeting, before his words were spoken. Heavenly Father gave him that experience to show me (I believe it was for me) He knew me. In my prayer just that morning I poured out my heart and it was broken.
I have had other examples of God's love for me. I know He is aware and I sure hope He has a plan. I love Him.
"No other success can compensate for failure in the home. The poorest shack in which love prevails over a united family is of greater value to God and future humanity than any other riches. In such a home God can work miracles and will work miracles." -President David O. McKay, 1968
I am so thankful for good men in my life who work so hard to support their children and to the Lord who enables me to be in the home to help them come unto Christ. I hope I can always do so.
Just from Saturday's session of General Conference, Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Believe in miracles. I have seen so many. They came when every indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon, or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior's own anguished example. If the bitter cup does not pass; drink it. And be strong. Trusting in happier days ahead."
