My August Heart

From August to April...
My heart has changed since August.Not in a good way. Sometimes, no matter the safeguards I think I put up and the defense I think I have, temptation creeps in as if through a "backdoor". I absolutely know what I want in life. I know what's most important because it's been tested time and again. In fact, the most important is all I hold on to daily because it's all I have left. I know, however, that I am two different people. I am my "old" self and my "new" self. I am not hypocritical, I just have two sides.

It's what we choose to do with those sides that matter. 

Here's what I have learned the last few days. I, of my own strength, can't change who I am. I can't change my heart no matter how much I want to. I am weak and I fall down. I do know that a desire to align our will with God's is where we start. I know fasting brings forth real power that changes, genuinely changes us. Jesus Christ wants to help us, He is amazing.

Today, in my scripture study I read the most perfect verses. They are found in 2 Nephi 10:23-24: "Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves- to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of god, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.

Incredible how scriptures come just as we need them. I am two people. I can choose to chase after what I used to be or I can choose to aspire to what I can become. I like the reminder that we are to "act for [our]selves". In the past I have often waited to be "acted upon"/what a specific someone chose to do that would effect my plans. That is sometimes hard for me to make the choice and not wait for someone else to make a choice that would lead to my choice.

What came to mind this morning as I was pondering all of this:

"It wouldn't be a good idea" <my thinking process could list hundreds of reasons why it wouldn't be  good. It amazes me when I am dealing with an addiction that I can list hundreds of reasons why "not", but none of them are strong enough to deliver me from my "1" why: because I want it.

"I shouldn't want it" < I could reason that I shouldn't desire it & even wish I didn't.

"I can't want it" < more like forbidding myself or 'willing' myself not to want it

"I won't choose it" <THIS is the hard part. To make the choice. I am still not at this place but I am definitely no where near where I was before last weekend (thanks to the temple, fasting, teaching, feeling the Spirit, spiritual experiences).

In my fast and prayers I asked the Lord to ransom my heart and restore it to my August heart. I love that He helps me because He wants to. It's who He is. I desire to be more like Him.