I love blogging! I have struggled to keep my blog up to date with everything going on but felt impressed a few months back that I could just blog photos or small posts just so I could remember in years from now what this time was filled with. I have been doing that. Then recently I felt like I need to be jotting down the big things that are happening. I write these things down for myself and for my children and their families in the future.
I am an "All or Nothing" kind of girl and have an addictive and obsessive personality. When I get hooked on something I go extreme and tend to have no moderation. I have loved soda for as long as I can remember. For most people they have a can or two a day, but for me, especially the last three years in dealing with so much stress and pressure, it's more like 2 44oz a day plus cans at home. I turn to soda when my life feels out of control. I gave it up a year ago for quite some time but somehow returned to the habit. It starts with me having one then I just get hooked so fast.
Recently I was drinking a lot of soda again. I kept feeling promptings to think of the most virtuous women I know and then to think if they would have a big Sonic drink attached to their hip all day long. My answer was always "no". I knew the Spirit was telling me that I should give them up, too, but I held on so tight because they made me happy. A soda was what I got everyday that was all "mine". Just mine! Did I mention how happy it made me!? :( It did.
I went to the temple one morning and as I was sitting there I felt guilty for being there. That meant that something in my life was out of alignment and I knew exactly why I felt that way. That experience was it for me. The next Sunday was fast and testimony day (once a month at church) and I knelt down and prayed and told Heavenly Father that I didn't want to give up soda because I loved it so much but if he wanted me to I would. I asked Him if he would help me with the side effects that would surely come (headache, fog, etc). I opened my fast and told him I had the desire to do His will and if He would help me I would give it up. Honestly though I wasn't happy about it. I fasted that day and it was really hard. I got a headache. I was grumpy and could barely function. Seriously. I made it through that day (haha) and the next day I took ibuprofen that morning but felt fine all day with NO fog. The following days I felt fine too, no headache and no fog. If anyone reading this has ever given up caffeine or overcome an addiction of any sort, you will know that headache and fog usually accompany overcoming addiction for days. That was my experience in years past trying to give up caffeine. This time there were no side effects. That was my miracle and the mercy shown to me this time. I know it.
I have come to know that the happiness I found in the soda was a counterfeit happiness. I am learning to rely on the Lord and for Him to help my heart be happy.
Emotionally the roller coaster has continued for me ever since then. I have felt more with the psychological effects of giving it up more than the physical. I have felt unhappy and have struggled, though it could be related to several other issues going on now.
I have learned about the Atonement and the power of fasting. I have learned that when mercy is shown to me, the way it was regarding the "no side effects", it makes me never want to repeat the offense again. The guilt I felt in the temple and the mercy after the fast make me pretty sure I will never drink a caffeinated soda again. I have learned my weakness boundaries and that is if I ever have just one, that will be enough to have me addicted. I can't even have one.
I have been drinking water, flavored water (HEB or Wal Mart brand), and a lot of Crystal Light (I'm also on a no-carb diet). I have started taking vitamins, supplements, and allergy medicine trying to get my energy level up and to be healthy. <3
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