My Cross

It's so hard being a single mom. I use this blog to document my life, whether it's rosy or rough. The past week has been so tough. For the first time in a very long time (if ever) I was tempted to give up. I felt temptations to give in to the pressure and give up twice. I exercised thoughts about what that would feel like. Though the thoughts didn't last even 30 seconds they were evident of a hard time. I felt so much opposition in fact and felt a weight that my situation was not going to be "ok". I couldn't feel "hope". I was doing everything in my power to find peace and to feel hope and promise but I couldn't. My finances hit an unexpected wall and I ended up in the same place I was directly after my separation. The place where you have nothing and don't know how you will survive each day. I wasn't prepared to be back in such a place. It's scary. I felt once again "the rent is paid for April so all is well."Even if other bills were left unpaid.  I have never run out of so many things at the same time and not been able to replenish. So many things. There are many needs that are left undone for today. I am solely relying on the Lord's grace. He will provide. It may not look the way I would like it to but He will. I am trying so hard to stay strong for my kids. I will fight. Matthew 8:34 says "Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." This is my cross. This is my road to become like God. It's not the way I would choose but it's the path nonetheless.

Thankfully I am a mom. Thankfully I have five healthy children who show me unconditional love and bring immense amounts of joy to my daily life. Thankfully we have each other and are healthy. Rent is paid! ;) All is well. For tonight it is.

Good Intentions Won't Keep You Warm At Night

My life is like a huge mountain of laundry. No really, it is like that. Friday I had great intentions. My kids were having 4 friends spend the night. I stripped the bedding and started the laundry. Like normal, my "to do" list outnumbered me and though I started the laundry it didn't get done. I felt horrible the next day as I realized our friends slept on beds with no comforters! What the heck? What good is it if I start the wash but don't finish it. Can you believe that by Monday night (3 days later) Cali & Bella didn't have their blankets yet! They were still in the laundry room working their way through all the mountains of laundry. And we stay on top of our laundry too. Normally. So much to do. Not enough people to do it.

I am overwhelmed. My good intentions often aren't enough. Thankfully I know where I turn for help, strength, peace and all that really matters. And hopefully I won't scar our friends and my own children as I fall short everyday.

I loved what Thomas S. Monson said during a broadcast to the Young Women of the church last weekend:

...when feeling overwhelmed: "Seek heavenly guidance, one day at a time. Life by the yard is hard, by the inch is a cinch." I love it!

Such a beauty

My friend is so talented in wood working. He made me this sled last night. I am SO excited to use it. My saw has been getting quite dangerous. Or at least the user with the saw has been running into some issues lately. This bad boy will help make sure I keep all my digits in tact and the wood will get a smooth, clean cut. 

And They Call The Thing RODEO!!! And it is so fun!

My friend invited us to go with her to the Rodeo this week. I have been wanting to go really bad and I'm so glad we had the chance! My MapQuest took me to a different location and then I got lost from there trying to find Reliant Stadium then parking. It took me two hours to get there and it was supposed to be 45 minutes. 

Well worth it though! Here we are on the tram from parking. Girls are in Dallas this week so it was just Bentley and me. 

Baby chicks hatching. Some looked dead but I spared you photos of them. :( 

Emily & Kayla

So funny as he pet the animals.  He would barely touch them for a second

haha she looks unsure!

baby piglet

little knuckle. He first took his shoes off and was running around in his socks during lunch. I told him to leave his socks on and this is what I found a few minutes later! 

Stinker!

Look in the left of the pic to see the pig races! This was so cute! 

She JUMPED into the water! :) 

So much fun! I really wanted the girls to be with me so we will go next year! I also wanted to try a deep fried Twinkie! Only in Texas.

The Back Up Plan

Last night I ran out of diapers. I conjured up one from the diaper bag and one from the church bag before bed so that I could wait to go to the store this morning. I used one diaper before bed and changed him as he woke up this morning. I was fresh out!

The morning was rough to begin with. I woke up with pain in my leg and nothing really flowed well from the start. Out of gas, errands to run, blah blah blah. No energy. You get the drift. I dropped the girls off, ran home to pick up something I forgot, ran to the bank all with my kid in his last diaper then pulled into the grocery store parking lot. Right as we pulled in Bentley threw up all over himself and his carseat. Kind of confirmed that Cali and I did have the flu earlier this week and now Bentley has it. I panicked. I didn't know if I should take him in like that to get the diapers or what! I decided to come home and give him a bath and wash the car seat. As I was bathing him I sent a couple messages to my friends to see about borrowing a couple diapers. I know they would  help me in a bind! I just was in a bind in that moment! I didn't even have paper towels as my back up! ;) A thought came to me at that moment to put his booty in a swim diaper, put it on a towel in the jogging stroller and walk him to the store to get what we were going to get earlier when we were there in a parking spot!

So we did. Thank goodness for back up plans. And swim diapers that leak. And towels for them to leak onto because you knew they would. This day hasn't gotten much better since.