Ironic

It's another tear-filled day of college. I hope this will get better! The culprit of today's melt-down is an English essay on how I leave a carbon footprint on the climate change.

Seriously.

Not only am I not passionate about this subject, know very little facts about it (can't use internet), but I also have to use an MLA format. It hurts my brain. I guess that's good though.

I couldn't take anymore of the pressure so I went for a Sonic run then sat in my car in my driveway, crying, enjoying the cool A/C and played a few rounds of Candy Crush. It was then that I thought how ironic it was that the very thing that made me need a break was the reason I was sitting in my driveway wasting gas into the atmosphere affecting our climate change.

I blame the professor. ;p

Clothesline

This college stuff is hard. I thought I was a smart girl but the first month of college has helped me feel not so smart. It's been a humbling experience so far and my weeks feel like roller coasters. Day to day I never know if I will go up or down. I am not confident about anything in regards to my classes.

Earlier this week I was feeling pretty good because I remembered, from the syllabus, that we had our first test in Government starting Tuesday. I worked SO hard all day Monday to study for it. I woke up Tuesday morning and finished reading the current chapter and went to do my weekly assignment and couldn't find it. The weekly assignment has been due on Thursdays every week… except this one.

Every Monday I sit down and right down what's due for each class as well as the dates. Apparently my brain just skipped that part of the govt. assignments because they are always due the same day. Lesson learned. Ugh. I got a BIG FAT zero because it was due the day before at noon. Brought my grade from an A to a D. Emotionally, it wiped me out. It was more of how it made me feel than anything else. I was trying SO hard to keep up and thought I was ahead of the game for the test only to find I missed something. It's discouraging.

The next day I got an assignment back for English and got a horrible grade (better than a zero at least!) and I cried. It's hard not to take it personally. I felt like I wasn't being successful at anything in my life. My vinyl business is behind because I don't have time to keep up on it. I have Kensington helping me but it's a slow process and she doesn't know how to do everything. I'm not doing very well at school.

Before I began my friends told me it would be a rewarding experience and that it would be reflective of the time I put into it- getting back good grades and feeling good about it. So far, it's made me feel worse! I am spread so thin trying everyday to juggle all my responsibilities and I feel like I'm not successful.

When I take a step back and keep my heart set on what matters most I can see I am successful. I am successful in being a mom. If I keep God first and keep working hard I have hope that everything will be ok and will be rewarding in the end.

As I have been pondering this week over all of this I had a little vision come into my mind. I try to focus each day on at least one simple, beautiful moment. They are in every day, even if literally for 30 seconds. I thought of a clothesline and how as if my beautiful moments are held up by a pin on a giant line and my happiness is linked together from one small moment of joy to the next.

If I don't look for and appreciate moments like these I would be completely depressed and over taken. My days are not fun. I feel like I am working constantly and really just surviving life. My beautiful moments lift me higher.

<3

What Time Management in College Looks Like

"Please give me a minute while I stifle the urge to punch you in the face." 

hahaha

I am taking a class, "Student Success", that is required for all freshmen. It's pretty laid back. My professor had this video as part of our lesson plan this week on time management. It's hilarious!

Carried

I have two weeks of college under my belt now. I should have written this post one week ago. I had a melt down and wish I would have written that day. Adding school into my life added a heavy weight that was crushing to bear. Last Sunday I cried through all three hours of church. I had to leave Sunday School with the lesson on Job. I felt myself questioning "how do I do this?" and "what can give?" (nothing can give). I just didn't know what else to do to make it better. I can say the weight is a very real physical burden. I think what I felt last Sunday was depression. I didn't feel hope. I was having trouble breathing during church as I sat and thought about all my newfound responsibility. It is SO HEAVY.  

Monday morning I woke up early to do my scripture study and have a long while in prayer. I pleaded for specific help and also prayed that the Savior would run to me and carry me. I felt a physical difference all last week that was VERY different than the week before. Friday I was thinking back over the week and realized that the burden of the weight had been lifted. Each day I went about thinking "what needs to be done today? Let's get it done" and not have that burden each day of what HAS to be done. Writing it in words doesn't do it justice but I want to be able to share.

I saved this post before publishing. I am now three weeks into school. The beginning of last week started off super rough. I was doing everything right that I could but seemed sad. Sometimes it seems like all I do is work hard. I was struggling financially and relief wasn't coming (it's been in the works for a long time). I'm grateful towards the end of the week the light broke through and I got some good news about our finances. That lifts weight off.

I am gathering from the past three weeks that my road will naturally be a roller coaster of emotions. I would like it be more "even keel" but maybe by nature it's not going to be. One of my favorite songs to listen to is this:



I don't feel that everything in my life is "ok".  I feel that weight-filled wall of depression is just barely beyond reach at every given moment. That wall of heavy responsibility. I try to remember that I don't need to walk this path alone. I don't need to walk at all.  I know that the Savior is quick to run to me & to help me and that he carries me when I just can't go any further. That's where I'm at.

Last Day of Preschool

Bentley had a great first week of preschool. Second week wasn't as fantastic as he found out school would be held at a different home each week. He fought me both days of the second week and once he found out the following week would be somewhere entirely different, he was out.

If it's going to be a battle getting him up in time each day AND struggling and fighting with him to stay, all while I lug around a heavy baby while trying to get him to stay, it's just not worth it.

That's where we're at… More time for me to spend with my boy this last year before kinder.

Beauty In Each Day

I know it's true when it's said:

Don't waste away your days waiting for happiness to come. 

I need to find happiness each day, even if it's just in a small moment or something beautiful around me. I can't wish away my circumstances by saying "I will be happy when…" because honestly THIS IS MY LIFE. This may be my life for a very long time. What if things never change for me and I always waited to find my happiness. 

I pray each day for joy and peace and happiness. I choose to be happy even though I hate my circumstances and they are heavy. I look for beauty each day in my children, other children, the TEXAS SKY, the deep shades of the green trees, people, words… 

Every day there is at least ONE happy, beautiful, funny, touching moment and I value those. 

<3 

Freshman Funk

I've come to experience, twice now, that my freshman age kids go through a funky stage of life. I don't love it. With that said, I don't have a freshman this year so life is good! haha Both my oldest girls became very isolated their freshman years. They would stay in their bedroom all the time and never talk to me. I don't love it. This year, I have already noticed with Kensi as a sophomore that she never STOPS talking! haha She starts talking my ear off the minute she gets home. Love. <3

Brace Yourself

Cali got her braces on last week. They are scheduled to be on for 2.5 years!!! 

Whoa! 

She looks beautiful and handled them very well. 

First Day of Preschool

After taking his "first day" pics we went to get in the car & I opened the door for him to climb in. He looked at me and asked "what seat do I sit in?" 

I said "your car seat"…

"But I'm a big boy now…" 

hahaha 

My sweet little guy is one year away from going to school full day. 

I'm so thankful for this one year with him still at home most of the time! 

Joy School T, Th 2.5 hrs