Clothesline

This college stuff is hard. I thought I was a smart girl but the first month of college has helped me feel not so smart. It's been a humbling experience so far and my weeks feel like roller coasters. Day to day I never know if I will go up or down. I am not confident about anything in regards to my classes.

Earlier this week I was feeling pretty good because I remembered, from the syllabus, that we had our first test in Government starting Tuesday. I worked SO hard all day Monday to study for it. I woke up Tuesday morning and finished reading the current chapter and went to do my weekly assignment and couldn't find it. The weekly assignment has been due on Thursdays every week… except this one.

Every Monday I sit down and right down what's due for each class as well as the dates. Apparently my brain just skipped that part of the govt. assignments because they are always due the same day. Lesson learned. Ugh. I got a BIG FAT zero because it was due the day before at noon. Brought my grade from an A to a D. Emotionally, it wiped me out. It was more of how it made me feel than anything else. I was trying SO hard to keep up and thought I was ahead of the game for the test only to find I missed something. It's discouraging.

The next day I got an assignment back for English and got a horrible grade (better than a zero at least!) and I cried. It's hard not to take it personally. I felt like I wasn't being successful at anything in my life. My vinyl business is behind because I don't have time to keep up on it. I have Kensington helping me but it's a slow process and she doesn't know how to do everything. I'm not doing very well at school.

Before I began my friends told me it would be a rewarding experience and that it would be reflective of the time I put into it- getting back good grades and feeling good about it. So far, it's made me feel worse! I am spread so thin trying everyday to juggle all my responsibilities and I feel like I'm not successful.

When I take a step back and keep my heart set on what matters most I can see I am successful. I am successful in being a mom. If I keep God first and keep working hard I have hope that everything will be ok and will be rewarding in the end.

As I have been pondering this week over all of this I had a little vision come into my mind. I try to focus each day on at least one simple, beautiful moment. They are in every day, even if literally for 30 seconds. I thought of a clothesline and how as if my beautiful moments are held up by a pin on a giant line and my happiness is linked together from one small moment of joy to the next.

If I don't look for and appreciate moments like these I would be completely depressed and over taken. My days are not fun. I feel like I am working constantly and really just surviving life. My beautiful moments lift me higher.

<3