Carried

I have two weeks of college under my belt now. I should have written this post one week ago. I had a melt down and wish I would have written that day. Adding school into my life added a heavy weight that was crushing to bear. Last Sunday I cried through all three hours of church. I had to leave Sunday School with the lesson on Job. I felt myself questioning "how do I do this?" and "what can give?" (nothing can give). I just didn't know what else to do to make it better. I can say the weight is a very real physical burden. I think what I felt last Sunday was depression. I didn't feel hope. I was having trouble breathing during church as I sat and thought about all my newfound responsibility. It is SO HEAVY.  

Monday morning I woke up early to do my scripture study and have a long while in prayer. I pleaded for specific help and also prayed that the Savior would run to me and carry me. I felt a physical difference all last week that was VERY different than the week before. Friday I was thinking back over the week and realized that the burden of the weight had been lifted. Each day I went about thinking "what needs to be done today? Let's get it done" and not have that burden each day of what HAS to be done. Writing it in words doesn't do it justice but I want to be able to share.

I saved this post before publishing. I am now three weeks into school. The beginning of last week started off super rough. I was doing everything right that I could but seemed sad. Sometimes it seems like all I do is work hard. I was struggling financially and relief wasn't coming (it's been in the works for a long time). I'm grateful towards the end of the week the light broke through and I got some good news about our finances. That lifts weight off.

I am gathering from the past three weeks that my road will naturally be a roller coaster of emotions. I would like it be more "even keel" but maybe by nature it's not going to be. One of my favorite songs to listen to is this:



I don't feel that everything in my life is "ok".  I feel that weight-filled wall of depression is just barely beyond reach at every given moment. That wall of heavy responsibility. I try to remember that I don't need to walk this path alone. I don't need to walk at all.  I know that the Savior is quick to run to me & to help me and that he carries me when I just can't go any further. That's where I'm at.