For Now

I have a lot to catch up on but for now I just wanted to post something that happened today and then I am going to bed.

I have this wooden tv tray next to my bed for now and Isabella has been bringing it out everyday to play with and then she will put it up. I have this insatiable need to have everything in its place all the time (which doesn't work well for me with five children!) so today when Bella brought it out like normal she told me that she wanted to sing me a song as she was standing behind the table. I said "Bella, that stresses mommy out when you bring that out all the time."

Bella: kind of waiting

Me: "What song do you want to sing?"

Bella: "Beautiful Savior"

Yeah, real nice Manda!! Score one for Bella. I am really working hard on my anxiety level from 4pm to 8pm each weeknight. It is high intensity over here and my chest feels like it will explode often. Why can't I just not worry about the small stuff, like that dumb table. She only wanted to sing me a song! :) It was wonderful and I felt pretty bad.

Ok, one more just so you have a basis on the whole stressed out situation. A couple weeks ago everyone was talking to me all at once (like normal) and I get this glazed look on my face because it's so much and Cali looked at me and said "oh great, we're stressing you out again!" It took me back and I had to talk to her and tell her I was sorry that I was making her feel that way and that I really did love spending time with them all and mommy just has a lot on her mind. Later that night I asked Cali to come talk to me and asked her if she was scared that I would have to give her away if I get too stressed out and she said "no, I just feel like you get annoyed with us." I started to cry and assured her and told her I would be more careful with what I said around them and how I handled my stress. She told me I wasn't allowed to say "stressed" anymore. And she stuck to that. She was like a "stress nazi" for many days after. If I was about to say the word Cali would catch me and be like "Mom, were you gonna say it?" And if I slipped up she would go straight into drama mode "you don't want to spend time around us, we always just stress you out, etc..." to which I put a stop to and told her now she was just being dramatic! Especially since the comment in Aisle 11 at Wal Mart on a Saturday with 5 kids went like this: me-" Please get off the cart and don't make this more stressful than it already is." Yeah, she went off on me. haha So, my sister came up with a code word that I could say instead and that is "beautiful". It works! Try it. It fits perfectly. I feel beautiful today. I am so beautiful. She suggested that my girls would think I'm vain but not stressed anymore. Yay!! I love solutions. So, at the end of that Wal Mart trip, with Cali right by my side, I walked out and said "Get me out of this beautiful place!" To which Cali laughed and said "mom, you said beautiful. Why?" Oh Cali, you will never know!

My sweeties! Especially when they are all five sleeping. Ahhh, peaceful night.