Purpose

My little buddy, Mees, has been coming over early in the mornings this summer. We always take a run through the McDonalds drive thru to get my liquid addiction (really that's another post for another day) and this morning we also ran to the bank. On my way to the bank I was thinking about my trial and how I can already feel a small portion of it's possible purpose. I had a feeling come over me earlier this week of pure joy, of exalting hope of happiness and the possibility of finding love again. I haven't found it yet but I had a moment where I felt what it would be like and knew of a hope for my future. I liked the feeling. I was thinking this morning that we go through hardships that we may know the joy and the joy feels better. There's a quote on that principle and I WILL find it!!! So, I believe that for me passing through hard times will be beneficial in finding my lasting joy later. 


Also, I have truly felt the power of empathy lately. I know I posted about my massage therapist and how she understood what I was going through. I am so appreciative of my family and friends who sympathize with me, they carry me through my trials. And I'm very thankful for women who can empathize because they often bridge the gaps from where I would like to be and getting there. I have a good friend now who is also going through a break up. I don't know if my empathy will help her but there are chances I will have in the future to help others as I've been helped. 


I know my understanding is limited and minute but I'm grateful for the insights I've had and a feeling of purpose in my trials. As I was sitting at the bank I read this on my friend's "The Facebook" (just for you!) and it was the perfect quote for today's revelations: 


"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope."
--James E Faust

Expectations...

I just realized today that my expectations and my reality are on two different pages. I woke up this morning and seriously thought I'd finish four boards (two of which are really difficult) and a vinyl wall decal AND watch two babies and finish another order for a customer and go swimming with my friends AND water the foundation AND have it all done in time to go to the post office by 5. AND I'm sick and feeling drained.

Why in the crap do I ever think I can do so much?! ha Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate some things... yeah.

{C}

Pretty much my most favorite picture of him yet! 

LoVE!!! 

He's Arrived

Bentley

13 months

Terrible Two's.

Need I say more?? 

I Got Lucky

When we drove down to Galveston Beach in May I got pulled over by a police officer and was given a warning (thank goodness) to put a front license plate on my car. I looked and looked and couldn't find that plate so I had to make a trip to the Tax Collector's office. I was told by a friend to take my proof of insurance and registration and go in. So I headed over without much preparation. I took Bentley without shoes and without snacks and as I got to the office I found I didn't even have a current insurance card (why not?!? I have no idea) and my registration sheet is my old one BUT I felt lucky and went in with what I had.... to find the line a mile long. Literally. We waited for an hour and I knew there was a chance I wouldn't even have what was needed and may have to come back a different day. It didn't take long before Bentley wanted down! Without shoes. On the hard and dirty floor. I became "that mom" with "that baby" as he started throwing his tantrums when I would try to pick him up OR move him. The video is just a little shot of him showing off and doing his OWN thing. He is a persistent little bugger. After an hour in line (and after we pulled off a little throw up as drool and much screaming from baby) we got new plates! And for cheap. All the worker needed to see was my vin # and license and he pulled up my info (which is what I was hoping for!) I felt SO lucky and happy after that. I knew I could have taken my luck to Vegas at that point. But I don't have any money and I don't gamble. haha

I Don't Believe in Coincidence

I went in for a massage last Thursday night because I was in a ton of pain in my shoulders and neck. I found out quickly that the massage therapist was a single mom too and after only a couple minutes I discovered that she and I just went through the exact same kind of relationship that led to divorce for her too. I've been struggling lately to take the next step in moving forward and after talking to her I was given a sense of perspective and hope and a jolt of inspiration. It's not often that I meet a woman who can completely relate and understand because she's been in the exact spot I have. I know my friends and family have inspiring and truthful advice for which I do listen and am grateful but there's something to be said about advice coming from someone who knows what I'm feeling. To listen to her knowledge from being in my same exact position moved something inside of me. It gave me confidence and an awakening. I am amazed at the people that are put in our paths when we least expect it. It wasn't coincidence. It came at a time that I needed it most. The Lord is good to me.

Just Learning

I've learned a whole lot in the past ten months. It's been like a jolt of knowledge. Some of it I wish I didn't have to learn the way I have but I can be thankful for it.

I recognized recently that I've always gained my self worth by what other people think of me. My entire life I've based how I've felt about myself on whether or not I've pleased others that day. I've always needed to have peace in all my relationships so that I could feel good about myself. While that is a good attribute to have to an extent, it isn't what our worth should be based on. I've always told people yes when asked to do something even if it wasn't best for me. Once I recognized that I'm the only one who can take care of my needs I've learned to recognize this more and more and I don't do it anymore.

I know this is a hard time but I'm thankful for what I'm learning about myself and gaining a relationship with me.

Simplifying and Trying Something New

I can never seem to find time to write in my journal (it's online) anymore or to sit down and blog so I've been thinking to do more of my journal writing via my blog. It may be more personal but perhaps it will be good in the long run to look back and remember what is my reality now.

I won't get too personal but for the record, this period of my life has been THE hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feel like since I was 19 I've gone through some really hard trials. Each one I think is the hardest but I am positive that so far this tops the cake. I am in worse shape financially after this divorce, I am needing to work more and I have one extra baby than I had before. I own less now than I used to in taking care of a home and am completely swamped busy! Way more busy than one person can handle. I take care of my kids, babysit to earn money and do vinyl for extra income that I don't count on to pay bills. I try to get to everything that demands my attention but fall short everyday. I know at the end of the day I need to rely on the peace that comes from the Lord as I lay down with a million things still left to do.

 There needs to be more of me around. When I mention in jest to my friends that I need a "husband" (and I use that lightly bc I don't want one right now) they all tell me I really need a wife! Someone who will get things done like a woman! haha I don't have a weedeater so I used hand held trimmers to edge my grass yesterday. I jumped and used shears to trim the tree last week. Had to do that quite a few times to get the tree cleared. My muscles hurt for 3 days following. My landlord wants me to be watering the foundation of the house for an hour at a time. When the heck do I have time for that. Possibly right now as I am sitting down to blog (first time in over a month, at midnight). I feel like everything I am doing is half efforts. I am drained. I feel lonely, especially with my girls gone. I am so grateful for my baby with me. He saves me.

Personally, I am coming out of a relationship that won't let go of me. I've never had to let go of something that has had such a grasp on my heart. How do you let go of something that won't let go of you? You know it's for the best and you have to but somehow can never seem to find the way to just cut ties. My heart doesn't remember what it's like to be healthy.  Often I feel like I go around and around in circles to constantly be in the same exact place. I am so sick and tired of it. I know it's not entirely true because as I look back on the last two years I know I'm much stronger now but I'm not where I want to be, strength wise.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I truly know that. This exhausting time drains me. It takes everything I have. I survive by the peace I get from Heavenly Father when I'm being as obedient as I can be to the things He asks me to do. That peace is the only key I have to happiness each day. My kids make me happy and the peace sustains me. I have seen many miracles in the last year especially. I know the Lord sustains single mothers. I don't intend to sound ungrateful for the tender mercies I receive daily. I have hope that I will look back on this time in my life (perhaps it will be a permanent situation) and will have sweet recollections of it. I feel certain moments daily that feel that way now.

If given the chance I would never choose to go backward in my life. I wouldn't choose to re-live any part of it. I have a goal in mind and am moving forward to reach it- with my babies. I guess that's what life's all about. Extremely hard and for me, not idealistic at all. But I have five amazing healthy and safe kids and so many blessings.

Good Ol' Days

A couple weeks ago I was reading over my old blog and found myself rolling over how funny it was. I used to be so funny! The period of time it covered was a hard time but looking back I was filled with joy recalling so many memories. It helped me see that really hard times can be the best of times too. Gives me inspiration for what I'm going through now.

Click here to read our old blog which documents our lives from divorce #1 to marriage #2. Is that so sad to title time that way?? :D

Bella & Cali's Birthdays

The last day of school was June 2nd, that evening Bella and Cali each took a friend to get their toenails done and for Sno-Cones. :D

Bella and Nina

every girls dream

Cali & Sara

We love SnoBall Hut!!! 

Next day we invited friends over for a Slip N Slide party! Way fun...

Next day we drove the girls up to Dallas (Cali's actual birthday) for the first portion of the summer. They will be home around July 12th. :( We miss them so much. 

Let's Get Caught Up!!

May was the busiest May ever! And that's saying a lot. Here is a tad bit of what's been going on:

Beach Day was SO fun. We invited anyone who wanted to join us to come down one day in May and we had a good turnout of friends. I ended up taking 9 kids in my car plus me. I had two sets of kids double buckled and you can imagine the TERROR in me when we got pulled over by a cop on the way down. I could have been speeding (I don't know) and we could have been given a ticket (or worse) for double buckled but his concern was with my lack of a front license plate. Huh. Well, I will take that and he was kind enough to give me a warning. 

At first he was hesitant to even touch the sand but after a bit he was covered from head to toe (literally) and he was eating snacks! We had the BEST day! 

Field Day for 2nd Grade. We made visits. Bella & Bent

I love this picture. 

We went to the Hairs for Memorial Day weekend. We have over 200 pictures so I'm not sure how to post them. Here is one of my faves. 

If only this picture could speak. Shannon was paranoid that Ashton would hurt Bentley so she told Ashton to stop when he got close to Bent and this is what happened. She scared Bentley and the look on Ashton's face is priceless. 

My boy got into a doughnut on the kitchen table. He must have climbed on the chair which I wouldn't have believed except today I saw him climb INTO his old walker. :( Uh oh. Watch out me. 

Cali & Annie are attached at the hipbone. These two are always together. So cute. 

Being silly! Like usual.