Simplifying and Trying Something New

I can never seem to find time to write in my journal (it's online) anymore or to sit down and blog so I've been thinking to do more of my journal writing via my blog. It may be more personal but perhaps it will be good in the long run to look back and remember what is my reality now.

I won't get too personal but for the record, this period of my life has been THE hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feel like since I was 19 I've gone through some really hard trials. Each one I think is the hardest but I am positive that so far this tops the cake. I am in worse shape financially after this divorce, I am needing to work more and I have one extra baby than I had before. I own less now than I used to in taking care of a home and am completely swamped busy! Way more busy than one person can handle. I take care of my kids, babysit to earn money and do vinyl for extra income that I don't count on to pay bills. I try to get to everything that demands my attention but fall short everyday. I know at the end of the day I need to rely on the peace that comes from the Lord as I lay down with a million things still left to do.

 There needs to be more of me around. When I mention in jest to my friends that I need a "husband" (and I use that lightly bc I don't want one right now) they all tell me I really need a wife! Someone who will get things done like a woman! haha I don't have a weedeater so I used hand held trimmers to edge my grass yesterday. I jumped and used shears to trim the tree last week. Had to do that quite a few times to get the tree cleared. My muscles hurt for 3 days following. My landlord wants me to be watering the foundation of the house for an hour at a time. When the heck do I have time for that. Possibly right now as I am sitting down to blog (first time in over a month, at midnight). I feel like everything I am doing is half efforts. I am drained. I feel lonely, especially with my girls gone. I am so grateful for my baby with me. He saves me.

Personally, I am coming out of a relationship that won't let go of me. I've never had to let go of something that has had such a grasp on my heart. How do you let go of something that won't let go of you? You know it's for the best and you have to but somehow can never seem to find the way to just cut ties. My heart doesn't remember what it's like to be healthy.  Often I feel like I go around and around in circles to constantly be in the same exact place. I am so sick and tired of it. I know it's not entirely true because as I look back on the last two years I know I'm much stronger now but I'm not where I want to be, strength wise.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I truly know that. This exhausting time drains me. It takes everything I have. I survive by the peace I get from Heavenly Father when I'm being as obedient as I can be to the things He asks me to do. That peace is the only key I have to happiness each day. My kids make me happy and the peace sustains me. I have seen many miracles in the last year especially. I know the Lord sustains single mothers. I don't intend to sound ungrateful for the tender mercies I receive daily. I have hope that I will look back on this time in my life (perhaps it will be a permanent situation) and will have sweet recollections of it. I feel certain moments daily that feel that way now.

If given the chance I would never choose to go backward in my life. I wouldn't choose to re-live any part of it. I have a goal in mind and am moving forward to reach it- with my babies. I guess that's what life's all about. Extremely hard and for me, not idealistic at all. But I have five amazing healthy and safe kids and so many blessings.