My Monster

My life has grown so unmanageable & so out of control that it's taken on a life of it's very own. It's as if it's a huge monster. I'm so small up against it. I'm learning that all I can do is accept him & make nice. This morning I'm so overwhelmed all I can do is stare at it & pet it. If I'm nice maybe he will be nice back. 

If this sounds mental, that's because it is! 

"Honey Do" ( - the HONEY )

Everything. Is. Breaking.

I made a Honey-Do list but am missing a honey to help knock it out. I just wanted to jot my list down so I could look back in the future and laugh. 

-The handle broke off the fridge. Just on one side so that looks extra pretty. 

-Our old couch was ripped and patched with vinyl. When Blake moved he gave us his couch. It is now ripped and today two legs came off. It's on its last leg. Literally. 

-2/3 of the toilets in our house are broken. We have had two swimming pools in our foyer in the last month. We now know to wiggle the handle on two toits after each use. Don't forget or you will need a snorkel.

-Bentley's x-Box broke (I think it's a blessing)

-Downstairs tv is broken. Not the picture but the tv itself. It leans too far forward so it's propped up with a piece of a 2x4 :D

-Shade broke over my bathroom window

-Dryer sounds like we have birds. Seriously, my friend asked me two weeks ago if we got birds and she wasn't kidding. It's obnoxious. Can you even imagine adding birds to our circus!?

-My car rear window came off the track and is stuck inside the door. I knew we were supposed to get rain today so I took a flat head screwdriver and pliers to the car door and pulled the window up just enough to protect the car from the rain. As I drove to the USPS the window slid back down. AWESOME! haha When we got back home I had Bentley hold a flashlight while I pried it back up. 

I can read over this now and see the comedy! My life is comical. Will it always be like this? I don't prefer to have everything broken. There's only so much vinyl & duct tape can fix. I am preparing to see how it holds up a wet car window! ;) 

Ironic

It's another tear-filled day of college. I hope this will get better! The culprit of today's melt-down is an English essay on how I leave a carbon footprint on the climate change.

Seriously.

Not only am I not passionate about this subject, know very little facts about it (can't use internet), but I also have to use an MLA format. It hurts my brain. I guess that's good though.

I couldn't take anymore of the pressure so I went for a Sonic run then sat in my car in my driveway, crying, enjoying the cool A/C and played a few rounds of Candy Crush. It was then that I thought how ironic it was that the very thing that made me need a break was the reason I was sitting in my driveway wasting gas into the atmosphere affecting our climate change.

I blame the professor. ;p

Clothesline

This college stuff is hard. I thought I was a smart girl but the first month of college has helped me feel not so smart. It's been a humbling experience so far and my weeks feel like roller coasters. Day to day I never know if I will go up or down. I am not confident about anything in regards to my classes.

Earlier this week I was feeling pretty good because I remembered, from the syllabus, that we had our first test in Government starting Tuesday. I worked SO hard all day Monday to study for it. I woke up Tuesday morning and finished reading the current chapter and went to do my weekly assignment and couldn't find it. The weekly assignment has been due on Thursdays every week… except this one.

Every Monday I sit down and right down what's due for each class as well as the dates. Apparently my brain just skipped that part of the govt. assignments because they are always due the same day. Lesson learned. Ugh. I got a BIG FAT zero because it was due the day before at noon. Brought my grade from an A to a D. Emotionally, it wiped me out. It was more of how it made me feel than anything else. I was trying SO hard to keep up and thought I was ahead of the game for the test only to find I missed something. It's discouraging.

The next day I got an assignment back for English and got a horrible grade (better than a zero at least!) and I cried. It's hard not to take it personally. I felt like I wasn't being successful at anything in my life. My vinyl business is behind because I don't have time to keep up on it. I have Kensington helping me but it's a slow process and she doesn't know how to do everything. I'm not doing very well at school.

Before I began my friends told me it would be a rewarding experience and that it would be reflective of the time I put into it- getting back good grades and feeling good about it. So far, it's made me feel worse! I am spread so thin trying everyday to juggle all my responsibilities and I feel like I'm not successful.

When I take a step back and keep my heart set on what matters most I can see I am successful. I am successful in being a mom. If I keep God first and keep working hard I have hope that everything will be ok and will be rewarding in the end.

As I have been pondering this week over all of this I had a little vision come into my mind. I try to focus each day on at least one simple, beautiful moment. They are in every day, even if literally for 30 seconds. I thought of a clothesline and how as if my beautiful moments are held up by a pin on a giant line and my happiness is linked together from one small moment of joy to the next.

If I don't look for and appreciate moments like these I would be completely depressed and over taken. My days are not fun. I feel like I am working constantly and really just surviving life. My beautiful moments lift me higher.

<3

What Time Management in College Looks Like

"Please give me a minute while I stifle the urge to punch you in the face." 

hahaha

I am taking a class, "Student Success", that is required for all freshmen. It's pretty laid back. My professor had this video as part of our lesson plan this week on time management. It's hilarious!

Carried

I have two weeks of college under my belt now. I should have written this post one week ago. I had a melt down and wish I would have written that day. Adding school into my life added a heavy weight that was crushing to bear. Last Sunday I cried through all three hours of church. I had to leave Sunday School with the lesson on Job. I felt myself questioning "how do I do this?" and "what can give?" (nothing can give). I just didn't know what else to do to make it better. I can say the weight is a very real physical burden. I think what I felt last Sunday was depression. I didn't feel hope. I was having trouble breathing during church as I sat and thought about all my newfound responsibility. It is SO HEAVY.  

Monday morning I woke up early to do my scripture study and have a long while in prayer. I pleaded for specific help and also prayed that the Savior would run to me and carry me. I felt a physical difference all last week that was VERY different than the week before. Friday I was thinking back over the week and realized that the burden of the weight had been lifted. Each day I went about thinking "what needs to be done today? Let's get it done" and not have that burden each day of what HAS to be done. Writing it in words doesn't do it justice but I want to be able to share.

I saved this post before publishing. I am now three weeks into school. The beginning of last week started off super rough. I was doing everything right that I could but seemed sad. Sometimes it seems like all I do is work hard. I was struggling financially and relief wasn't coming (it's been in the works for a long time). I'm grateful towards the end of the week the light broke through and I got some good news about our finances. That lifts weight off.

I am gathering from the past three weeks that my road will naturally be a roller coaster of emotions. I would like it be more "even keel" but maybe by nature it's not going to be. One of my favorite songs to listen to is this:



I don't feel that everything in my life is "ok".  I feel that weight-filled wall of depression is just barely beyond reach at every given moment. That wall of heavy responsibility. I try to remember that I don't need to walk this path alone. I don't need to walk at all.  I know that the Savior is quick to run to me & to help me and that he carries me when I just can't go any further. That's where I'm at.

Last Day of Preschool

Bentley had a great first week of preschool. Second week wasn't as fantastic as he found out school would be held at a different home each week. He fought me both days of the second week and once he found out the following week would be somewhere entirely different, he was out.

If it's going to be a battle getting him up in time each day AND struggling and fighting with him to stay, all while I lug around a heavy baby while trying to get him to stay, it's just not worth it.

That's where we're at… More time for me to spend with my boy this last year before kinder.

Beauty In Each Day

I know it's true when it's said:

Don't waste away your days waiting for happiness to come. 

I need to find happiness each day, even if it's just in a small moment or something beautiful around me. I can't wish away my circumstances by saying "I will be happy when…" because honestly THIS IS MY LIFE. This may be my life for a very long time. What if things never change for me and I always waited to find my happiness. 

I pray each day for joy and peace and happiness. I choose to be happy even though I hate my circumstances and they are heavy. I look for beauty each day in my children, other children, the TEXAS SKY, the deep shades of the green trees, people, words… 

Every day there is at least ONE happy, beautiful, funny, touching moment and I value those. 

<3 

Freshman Funk

I've come to experience, twice now, that my freshman age kids go through a funky stage of life. I don't love it. With that said, I don't have a freshman this year so life is good! haha Both my oldest girls became very isolated their freshman years. They would stay in their bedroom all the time and never talk to me. I don't love it. This year, I have already noticed with Kensi as a sophomore that she never STOPS talking! haha She starts talking my ear off the minute she gets home. Love. <3

Brace Yourself

Cali got her braces on last week. They are scheduled to be on for 2.5 years!!! 

Whoa! 

She looks beautiful and handled them very well. 

First Day of Preschool

After taking his "first day" pics we went to get in the car & I opened the door for him to climb in. He looked at me and asked "what seat do I sit in?" 

I said "your car seat"…

"But I'm a big boy now…" 

hahaha 

My sweet little guy is one year away from going to school full day. 

I'm so thankful for this one year with him still at home most of the time! 

Joy School T, Th 2.5 hrs

                                 

Contention, Get Thee Hence!

I have two children, who will remain nameless *see photo* who argue constantly! Everyday, all day long if they are together. It drives me NuTS! I have tried giving them extra chores, time outs, grounding, less time together, more time together!.!. Nothing seems to make it better. Today I was grocery shopping (with them)(arguing)(no shocker) and this thought came into my brain:

I immediately thought of this scripture after thinking of the idea:
It's found in Alma 31:5 (Book of Mormon)
And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God.

I'm hopeful that as they study these scriptures on contention and how it's not of God, that their hearts will change, followed by their behavior.

First Day of School 2014

Me & My Baby Girl. 

She started junior high today (sixth grade). I started college. 

It wasn't a super successful day. I will tell you why at the bottom. 

Cali in in 8th now! 

Crazy! 

Kensi is a sophomore

Braelyn is technically a junior this year but she is skipping a year and graduating next August so that really makes this her senior year! 

No. Just no. 

Today was nuts. I got up super early and felt anxious all morning. Got the kids to school on time. I sat down to look at my online classes and was shocked at how much there was. Let me just give you the low down. I am just now noticing this and it's 11pm. I tried to get organized today. Tried is the key word. I have a multi subject notebook and I gave each of my 3 classes a tab. I just realized that half my notes for government are on my English notes so I was utterly confused with that! And on my first online DISCUSSION for a student success course I listed why I was taking that course and I shared that I was taking GOVERNMENT as a pre-req! I didn't even have the correct class listed for that forum. Oh my gosh. So dumb. My head is spinning. I'm exhausted. 

The girls had good days as school. I think Bella was a little overwhelmed with the multi-class schedule. She's doing well at trying to get organized. I hope this will be a good school year. I hope I will survive because I don't know how I will. 

Just for reference. I am taking 5 classes my first semester. I am taking two mini-mesters that are 8 week courses and 1 full semester course. Starting off I have English (barf) and Government along with Student Success (required for all incoming freshmen). October I will begin my second mini with Psychology and History. 

Life As I Know It

I'm kind of freaking out, well my insides are freaking out. Today is the last day to enjoy life as I know it! Starting tomorrow everything will change and it will be that way for the next six years (and beyond, I'm sure). Tomorrow school starts. I was sitting in church and I felt that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach. Ya' know, the one you get when you have to give a speech in front of many people?! That super nervous feeling where you want to throw up. I honestly wasn't even thinking about school. My body just knows. haha

I wanted to jot down a few thoughts so I can look back and remember.  My friend, Robin, helped me greatly with this entire process to register, apply for grants, and basically EVERY single aspect of preparing to go back… and IT IS a process! I started in June and am still preparing now in August. One night that first week of registering Robin had been over helping me with computer work and as she left Braelyn and I went out to eat. It was late and we found a Chinese place open. We enjoyed a sit down dinner and I found the following that night in my fortune cookie:

It was very fitting! It still sits on my desk. 

I have pondered a lot about how this will all work. I waded through a lot of mental turmoil following my decision to go back to school about whether or not to continue babysitting. At one point I was going to stop watching Gentry when school started so I could focus just on school. That didn't feel right so I'm going to try to continue watching her until her mom stops working (mid November as of now). I am going into this tomorrow planning to do school, babysit and do vinyl (though I have been training Kensi to do as much of the business as she can and she will help everyday). 

I am understanding that things may change and I need to be close to the Spirit so I know what may need to fall away in my life. ??? Not sure how the Lord will help me but I know He will. I know this is His will. It's been an amazing process. 

I am nervous of the added responsibility, that's what I'm scared of the most actually. I am committed to my goal of weekly temple attendance. That's what I've been doing and feel that now more than ever I will need to draw upon that power and perspective. I am also committing to no school work on Sundays. I need to show respect to Heavenly Father and keep His day separate from the others. I also know I will need one day with my children and to rest that isn't distracted by school and work. 

I am very excited to see how this goes! And to see the Lord's hand in my life in how He will sustain me through school, single parenting, business owning and babysitting. 

Impromptu Games

Tonight Bentley & I had an amazing time playing a spontaneous game of kick-the-beach-ball-in-the-dark-garage-to-score-goals-while-mommy-does-high-kicks-for-cardio! It was a thousand degrees in there but that enhanced my "workout"!

Pretty cool when a high kick in motion can defend your goal. I was beat by my 4 yr old but his goal was wider than mine too! Excuses! He told me after that it was fun!! :)

Free Milk

I got a coupon from HEB for free organic milk. The girls refused to drink it because, of course, it's in a different looking carton & it's organic. 

What's a mom to do?! Wait until the normal milk gets low & pour free milk in! Good to go! No one knows. 

#yayforfreemilk #likeaboss 

"But First, Let Me Take a Selfie", Part 2

Found these pics of Ken on my computer from the cell phone and camera! 

"But First, Let Me Take a Selfie"

I was going through some pictures on my computer  and came across some "self portraits" that Cali has taken over the past couple years. 

Cute Things Bentley Says

I will just add to this post as the time arises. For now I have a couple cute things he says:

He calls balloons "gabloons"

At night I rub his back and sing songs to him. He always asks me to. And I always ask him which song he wants me to sing to which he always responds, "which one you ever want". You can see why I continue to ask him. So dang cute. 

Our Summer Vacay

Last summer we were able to go to Crystal Beach. To get there you must be ferried across from Galveston to the Bolivar pensinsula. The ferry is so much fun and we knew then that we wanted to take Bentley back next year! 

This summer that was my only real plan! To take all my babies back! We haven't had much free time without me working so we found one afternoon that would work! And we took it! We had Annie with us that day too! Such a FUN time! We were able to see the dolphins again and that made us happy. 

After our relaxing time on the (nasty, smelly, but still wonderful to be at the) beach we drove back to Galveston and drove around for a bit then grabbed dinner! 

Seriously fun day! I loved our time away. 

<3