Pressure Cooking

I don't think there's ever been a time in my life where I've felt as much continual & intense pressure as I have in the last six weeks. I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker. :( I am humbled at how weak and inadequate I feel. On top of all the pressures with raising my kids, scheduling, work, church, social, house, I feel like I've been pelted constantly with different situations that require me to turn the other cheek (or get really upset) and forgive. I feel like every week is getting more intense & heavier.

Some things gotta' give. It may be my sanity. In a very real way.

Vulnerability, Revelation, & Submitting Our Wills

This post may be the most vulnerable post I've written. I feel like it's important to write it down and maybe someone else will benefit from it too.

Over the past month I have been praying and pondering really hard over someone from my past and whether there should still be "hope" in that relationship to have it move forward. At one point in time I loved this person and thought he was a gift from God to help me in my situation. When we started dating I wasn't really "ready" and did it anyway and as I moved forward in our relationship I felt Heavenly Father constrain me right there. When it was hard with my girls (not wanting me to date) the Spirit kept me right there because it was the right thing to do. Through that experience as well as me feeling like he was a "gift to help me" and I loved him very much, I thought we'd get married. Things took a turn different than what I had thought and expected earlier this year and we have been apart since then. That brings us to the present and there has been communication between us and a new "hope".

During this time I was also talking to someone else I was interested in and had been attracted to for a few years. I was excited. But as we talked more I grew more concerned over some things about him that were less than what I hoped for. I didn't turn the "hope" away though as perhaps I should have.

So, at this same time my cute niece was telling me about her boyfriend. It's new love and he's awesome. He is a returned missionary and cute as can be and treats her well! As I was pondering my situation with these two men I was thinking about my niece and how she has a really great guy and why I can't have what she has and the thought came to me "you don't deserve that kind of guy". It was a thought like "your situation is different than hers and you are going to have to settle because you're just not good enough for that."

I didn't recognize the thought at first but it was days later than it dawned on me! What the?!?! I went to counseling for 15 months for that exact mindset! Why do I often feel "less than" or go for "what's right in front of me" instead of holding out for something even better for me. I care about both of the men I was talking to. I can see their hearts are good and I think that has often gotten me in the trouble I've been in. You can't accept that in your own life just because you can see the good and potential. You have to take things as they really are.

Through me recognizing my thought and going to church on Sunday I have re-evaluated where my heart is. I was touched Sunday with the following scripture: 3 Nephi (Book of Mormon :) 1:8  "But behold, they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain." I felt like I also wanted to watch steadfastly for the day that the right man would come into my life and that all this hard work I put in my daily life would not be in vain. That I wouldn't be settling for someone who doesn't recognize my worth. The Spirit told me that I work very hard and try to be as faithful as I can and I need to find a man who does the same. Also, the quote I posted Sunday (post right before this one) touched my heart. I don't need to settle on being a cottage when Heavenly Father has something far better in store. I learned that if I wait I will get something better than I can plan myself. It was after church I felt the need to repent of being so angry with these men. I was wrong and I knew it. It was my fault for keeping hope where it shouldn't have been. It was also in that same prayer when I was ready to tell Heavenly Father that I am finally giving my will to him in that when He is ready to bless me with my companion I will trust that. I wanted to pray and say "if it is your will" but even that would have been cheating on my part. I already know it IS His will to bless me with that, I just don't know when. If I prayed and said "if" that would have been me having a little grudge in the prayer (which I wanted to!) but by me saying "when" I felt a release of it all. I am pleased with where I am and watch with faith for the day my companion will come. Because I have A LOT to offer him.

Much More Than a Cottage

The following quote from C.S. Lewis was read at church today & it touched my heart. Perhaps I've been content in my mindset on being a cottage. I think this is really beautiful.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”


― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Rock-Star Race Girl

Bella has an interest in running. She is good at it too. :) 

In P.E. every year the kids are given a choice the first 9 weeks to do a color page of a healthy dinner or if they want to participate in the Klein ISD marathon. Bella really wanted to run this race. 

This is her and a friend warming up. You notice the sun barely rising. That's bc it starts at the butt crack of dawn on a Saturday morning. 

 I was so touched watching my little girl run. 

She ran fast. 

So fast! 

She passed up kids the whole time. She passed kids in the group that started before her too. 

 See her hauling booty in this shot below:

 My baby girl after the race. They even randomly gave her MY favorite #

I was so proud of her for her efforts! 

Success! 

<3

Patience is Hard Work

As you know I've been pondering patience still. A friend and I talked a little about patience and how it adds to your character and we established that patience is "hard work" and therefore once you receive whatever it is you are being patient over it will be more appreciated and rewarding. Because we worked for it.

I can attest to it being hard work. So, obviously I'm sure, my trial is finding a companion. The right one.  This trial is extremely hard on me. I have realized for the first time lately that this is truly out of my control. It's scary to think I may be in this situation for the rest of my earth life. I have no control. Therefore, I have two options. I can be optimistic, hopeful, patient, faithful and trust that in time I will find the one OR I can do what comes naturally and be sad, despairing, bitter, grumpy, mad, pissed, hurt and have a bad attitude. To choose the first takes a lot of work. Seriously, I am so sad. Every time something doesn't work out with someone it takes a little more from my heart. I have to work to have faith and to trust. It is something that literally occurs within me.

Sounds a lot like working out my salvation, don't you think. To choose to be hopeful and positive I am becoming a little more like Christ. And through him we have everything.

A Tribute to Taxi Drivers

I am so happy this day is over. Here is a run down of my day:

Read at your own risk.

Cali, Ken, & Bentley were already gone from home.
5:40 wake up naturally
6:30 alarm goes off
7am take Bella to her first race at the high school
8am finish up race
go get drinks, take one to a friend
make muffins & change to mow the lawn
burn muffins ;(
9am-mow lawn
2nd coat of paint on 6 boards
shower for day
work
11:15 talk to good friend in driveway, leave Braelyn key to lock up as she is about to go w/ friend
11:30 go to grocery store
12- drop  Bella off at friend's house
12:10 bring groceries home and find out I'M LOCKED OUT b/c Ken & Brae have both house keys and Brae locked the garage door too :/ grrrrr
12:15 go get key from Brae who is at the church
12:30 get back home, unload groceries, eat lunch quickly
12:50 leave to pick up Cali at her friend's house which is further than what I thought
1:15 get back and clean parts of the house bc a friend was coming to help w/ repairs in the bathroom
1:45 work
get phone calls & texts about picking up Ken & Annie (niece) and also to pick up Bella
2:15 friend over to help with repairs, print out a nametag for the ward dinner International meal I was planning (taquitos) haha
finish up a board
2:45 go get Ken, Annie, Rylan- Brae gets a ride home then gets locked out bc I had her key
drop Ken, Annie, Rylan back off at home, let Brae in to get her book... and
3 pick up Bella then go get Bentley downtown
get to pick up Bella and she was in her friend's bathing suit and dripping wet. Leave her there to swim longer. Tell her I will be back at 4:15 to get her.
leave to go to downtown at 3
DID NOT GET TO DOWNTOWN UNTIL 4:35!!!! Trip down was an hour more than usual due to a major accident which shut down 3 of 4 lanes. It took an hour to go 5 miles. :( Not happy!
4:35 pick up Bentley, change his dirty diaper, go potty in the hot dog place, leave
5:15 pick up Bella from her friend's, run home
5:25 stick in taquitos to bake, get kids ready, get myself ready, hammer in pins to a board to take with me
5:50 leave for ward party at church
6 ward party. sit. breathe. find Bentley. eat more. find Bentley. eat. eat. eat.
7:30 leave church, take Ry and Annie home. Come home.
7:45 friend back over to finish repairs. Do dishes. kids fold laundry.
8 watch tv
8:45 type this
9 go to bed! ;)

I was in such a rancid mood today. This day sucked. I know I'm not alone in being a taxi driver to my kids. Usually I'm much happier to do it too. I'm exhausted today and I hate Saturdays. They are chaotic and the kids all have agendas and I have things that need to get done and a trip to downtown is always included in this day. It's just a lot. A lot of pressure. Plus today I am so mad at men. So mad. I am grateful today is done with and will never rear it's ugliness again. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I used to wake up on Saturdays and ponder what exciting things we would do that day. What happened to that??!!!!!!

This was what I-45 looked like today for 90 minutes. I'm not even lying. It was a parking lot. 

:( 

See all the taxi drivers?? 

Access Denied

Hahaha denied. No more BBQ spills.

Sweetness

Look how sweet. He smelled good too because he dumped his big sister's lotion all over their bedroom floor.

Where is his mother, you ask? I'm trying to run my very busy business and was working on vinyl orders.

Tonight, for Family Home Evening we all scrubbed the kitchen grout. I promise this is way too good to even make up, Bentley threw his plate of hot dog & ketchup onto the clean floor.

This is still the same day that I cleaned the carpet & he dumped sauce on it. Just making sure y'all realize that. I'm ready for bed!

Destroyer of All Things but One

My two year old is the destroyer of all things. He terrorizes every room and every wall. Today, he dumped a bottle of BBQ Sauce on my carpet. Two hours after I cleaned it. I waited months to make time to clean it and I did it finally this morning.

He pulled out about 5 of my big vinyl rolls yesterday & crumpled them all up. He sticks his hand in and/or pulls poo out of his diaper daily. He truly is the destroyer of all things...but not my heart. Man, this boy brings so much joy (believe it) to our family. He sings many songs and this morning he touched Kensi's face & said "you're pretty".

Can someone bring over a nugget for me to dip in this sauce? The floor is clean. ;) ugh. I seriously (no lie) have to go bc he just brought a diaper downstairs and is attempting to put it on.

Salvation

My last blog post I was asking why patience & trust in God is important and what those actions do within us. I was reading my scriptures yesterday morning and came across two verses that I felt the Spirit touch my heart and I believe I received some of the answer to my question.

I am reading Mosiah in the Book of Mormon and King Benjamin is speaking to his people. Chapter 3 verses 17-19 teach us: And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the chlidren of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent. For behold he judgeth, and his judgment is just; and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy; but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children, and believe that salvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the atoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent. For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. 

I added the italics to show what struck me. I believe that trusting God and exercising patience is connected to our salvation through Christ's Atonement. I believe I learned in these verses that as we submit to the will of the Lord patiently we are becoming as a child and are becoming like Christ. As I pondered this today it makes sense because Jesus is the ultimate example of One who showed patience and trust.

Mosiah 4:6 (latter part of the verse) & 7 ...the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life, I meant the life of the mortal body- I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even until the end of the world. 

When we show trust, we show faith. This verse taught me to continue in faith is to receive salvation. So, trusting in God and having patience is the very way to the Celestial Kingdom. I still want to know more, but this was a wonderful experience to learn in the scriptures and I feel uplifted. :)

Why & What

Do you ever wonder why patience is a virtue? In all honesty I've been pondering lately what we gain from being patient and why is it any different when you get something right away and you wait for it? There has to be something the process is doing in our soul rather than just learning "patience" itself. What is it? I know God is a patient being and we are supposed to be like Him.

What does trusting God do for us? I'm not mocking the principle or questioning it even, I'm wondering what we gain when we trust God. I know it is by faith that we trust and show action that we are trusting Him but what are we gaining by doing so? It also must do something within us and define who we are becoming but I want to know what...

I've also been noticing a lot lately how vulgar some women can be. I've seen several instances on Facebook lately and came across something disturbing on Pinterest about something inappropriate a woman said. It's disgusting. Where is virtue??

Cell Phone Madness

I looked through all the cell phone pics and made a couple collages:

Chris Farley shots

FISH LIPS!!!! 

 I liked these of me:

The Perfect Dream

I believe certain events in our daily lives remain in our sub-conscience and we dream about it. Last week I read something on Facebook about how at times our dreams are so good we don't want to wake up. Then, yesterday I was texting an old friend about the words "i love you" and how I missed hearing those words. So, I guess these two were both on my mind as I slept. I woke up this morning happy! I had this amazing dream that I was dating who appeared to be "Channing Tatum". Yep! Should I indulge in details. Oh yes please. I don't often dream about dating Channing.

Two things stood out.
1) we had the most passionate embrace (calm down Aunt Bert and mom) in front of a parked car in the street on a bridge and I jumped (into his arms, not off the bridge) and he held me and I whispered in his ear while leaning my head on his shoulder that "I've loved you for a long time" and it was real and deep. I was very attracted to him.

obviously. duh.

2) (loved this part too) I walked into a room and he was sitting at a table with his friends and all the chairs were taken. He "beckoned" me to sit on his knee. (heart melting still) It meant a lot to me bc he wanted me there with him and his friends. He wanted me.

Dang hard to wake up after that one!! Honestly though I seek someone who loves me and my babes, someone I'm attracted to, and someone who will be faithful to me. I'm not looking for C.T.... he's taken anyway...

Laugh Out Loud

"Cali just gave me a vicious massage and almost killed my life." 

Today I transferred over 900 pics from my cell to my computer! Holy holy! These kids go crazy with the camera on my phone! I haven't had a chance to look at them all yet but I found this gem and HAD to share. Oh my!!


I die laughing when the baby comes on dancing! Every time I watch it. Good stuff!!

Not Living

I don't feel like I'm living. I'm always so stressed out and trying to just survive. How do I "live" in this? The last month has been ridiculous. I have been struggling so bad emotionally and transitioning to being much busier. I struggle with the house because I am pretty positive I'm the only one who cares if we live in filth. Yesterday Braelyn noted, since she is on bathrooms this week, that we have a house full of pigs. She only said that because she is responsible for cleaning it up and pointed out that she cleaned it the day before. When I said it needs it again came her clever reply about pigs. I also believe we live in a house of piglets. So, I used to have major OCD and had to have every closet organized and clean, all the tile grout clean, the walls with paint touched up. You should seriously see this house. It's so gross. I do not have time to do those things anymore on a regular basis.

This past month I have obsessed about finding a husband. Major obsessed. I lost my peace. I have been struggling with finances and schedules and for the first time maybe ever, realized I need help. That is not a good feeling. I went to the temple last night for the first time in 3 weeks (it was shut down for two weeks) and I felt an immediate difference. I think the absence of attendance along with no break from my children, an insane and intense schedule the past month, and major emotional pressures weakened me and I found myself veering from my usual peace. I re-evaluated some things last night and am feeling a little more hopeful now. A little.

On a different note, I woke up this morning at 5:30 and stayed awake to tackle my day. I mean, when you wake up and start getting ready at that time shouldn't the day go pretty smooth? Isn't there a rule somewhere that states that?? Well, let's see. After the school drop offs I got home and had an hour to get Bentley ready before we had to take Ken to her doctor appointment. I had already showered and had my hair done (I say that bc it comes in as handy info later). While B ate his cereal I used my new touch up paint (attempt #2 to get the matching color) to cover up the wall in the kitchen. Still don't think it's the same color, ugh. Got him bathed and we were out the door to pick up Ken for the appt. Got to the doctor office and waited ONE  HOUR in the room to be seen. She came home early from school yesterday with an upset stomach so to have her out for this long wasn't planned on and she will miss tomorrow to go to Dallas- 3 days in a row not my favorite! Doctor came in to see us and was interrupted with an "emotionally unstable" patient screaming down the hall. Doctor came back in and basically asked me my opinions on the medication that she was the expert on. She also asked me what the plan of action would be as if I KNOW!! ;) We left the crazy place after an hour and a half being there and it was a torrential downpour outside. We got soaking wet and then Ken got mad at me on the way back to school bc I wouldn't take her home to fix her hair. ugh ugh ugh. Now we are back home and we have about 15 more minutes after finishing lunch before it's time to start picking girls up from school. I have not started work, I have a serious mountain of laundry to fold, then we have homework, showers, dinner, and all the kids need to pack for their dad's. I also told the older girls we would go get them another pair of jeans they didn't get before school started. Craziness. And now my hair is frizzy on top of it all! ;)

I need a vacation. Somewhere tropical would be nice. Where the Diet Dr Pepper flows freely and days go as planned. Somewhere where they have a spa and they do  your laundry for you.

Piggyback Prayers

This morning I made an effort to say a prayer (by myself!!!) in my quiet place without kids. I knelt down and begun then quickly heard the door open and little footsteps get closer. Then Bentley climbed up onto my back and stayed there throughout the duration of my prayer. I smile because it's funny and I know God is smiling too. Piggyback prayers will too quickly pass. Perhaps it will be then that I will climb on Bentley's back when he says his prayers. ;)

Crossroads

I remember several years back during General Conference one of the apostles or possibly President Hinckley spoke about being home, as a mother, at the "crossroads" for your kids. This came to mind as I was praying tonight. That's been the desire of my heart all along & I often lose sight of that. No matter the struggle, I am doing it. I am doing what's most important to me.

A special blessing this week has been Kensington talking to me. She got in the car yesterday with notes written (on her hand, of course) down that she wanted to tell me about. Random things about her day that she didn't want to forget. One thing was about how her teacher teases her for liking the Cowboys. Tonight she came downstairs to talk to me about a phone call she made. It's a new development and means so much & makes me quite happy. :D

Miraculous

Finances are my biggest stress. August was ridiculous to say the least with getting four kids ready to go back to school. My main source of income comes to me two times a month and August I only got paid one of the two. Seriously looking back over the last three weeks makes my stomach sick with how much pressure was on me. I just want to document how miraculous it is that my checking account did not go in the negative. Seriously, miraculous. I am amazed at how Heavenly Father is in the smallest details in my life. On my own I make a real mess out of things. It is by grace that all is well with me and with us. I know it. I see it in my daily life. The miracles did not occur in big flashes of splendor but they came as very small measures that kept my account in the black and they kept occurring. I can't believe that I made it through that and in wild hope I hope I never have to go through anything like it again. But I'm sure I will. I think it comes with the territory. I know God is with me. I am so thankful He is. 

I felt inspired last week through a dream and through my sister the following day to "look at the big picture". Since that day I see it everywhere... "look at the big picture". I am trying to be obedient and do the things I should be doing with raising my babies. I truly wish I could provide a little better and easier so the pressure would ease but it's almost out of my control. For now I will try to remember the things that matter most each day. 

Sweetness

I know I post a lot about the boy but two is going by too fast! I want to write it all down so we can look back and remember.

Bentley has a new obsession with getting "snacks" on my arms. He starts off by pretending to eat a snack. He will tell us it's a cookie, or brownie, or ice cream. It is all well and good until he bites down and leaves a bruise.

He has been sleeping in my bed lately. Like every night. I never thought I'd be one of those parents who would let my child sleep with me but I got kind of addicted after the first couple times. I LOVE cuddling with him to fall asleep. We sing lots of songs. He is learning the words to those songs while we sing at night. It's very sweet. Out of the blue the other night he rolled over and told me "I love you momma". I loved it. He often will tell me after we talk "ok momma". It is so sweet. Tonight he was talking about the sky and said "airplanes, copters, bright, glasses" all in one sentence. It was so sweet. He tells me during the day that it's so bright and I will hand him some sunglasses. He is so smart.

Today we were dropping off some bags of clothes to Goodwill and the guy came out to help me and looked at my Cowboys sticker and made a comment about it like everyone does. I got back in my car and Bentley had over heard our convo bc he said...

B: "like Cowboys"
me: "yea, we like the Cowboys"
B: "daddy like the Cowboys"
me: "does daddy like the Cowboys"
B: "Bentley likes the Cowboys"
me: "aww yea Bentley and mommy like the Cowboys"
B: "Bentley likes cows"

haha hahaha interesting evolution of conversation!!! :D

He makes my heart happy. My girls make my heart happy.

The girls are doing well with the transition to school. It is so busy, but good. I finally got all the school supply shopping done today (about a week and a half into school). ugh. and yay!

A Facebook Post

Being a single mom is so hard! It is mind-boggling to me how to make x amount of dollars stretch to cover a+b. It is kind of like childbirth. It seems there is no way a watermelon can squeeze through an orange. It eventually does, it's just painful! This is just like that!