Over the past month I have been praying and pondering really hard over someone from my past and whether there should still be "hope" in that relationship to have it move forward. At one point in time I loved this person and thought he was a gift from God to help me in my situation. When we started dating I wasn't really "ready" and did it anyway and as I moved forward in our relationship I felt Heavenly Father constrain me right there. When it was hard with my girls (not wanting me to date) the Spirit kept me right there because it was the right thing to do. Through that experience as well as me feeling like he was a "gift to help me" and I loved him very much, I thought we'd get married. Things took a turn different than what I had thought and expected earlier this year and we have been apart since then. That brings us to the present and there has been communication between us and a new "hope".
During this time I was also talking to someone else I was interested in and had been attracted to for a few years. I was excited. But as we talked more I grew more concerned over some things about him that were less than what I hoped for. I didn't turn the "hope" away though as perhaps I should have.
So, at this same time my cute niece was telling me about her boyfriend. It's new love and he's awesome. He is a returned missionary and cute as can be and treats her well! As I was pondering my situation with these two men I was thinking about my niece and how she has a really great guy and why I can't have what she has and the thought came to me "you don't deserve that kind of guy". It was a thought like "your situation is different than hers and you are going to have to settle because you're just not good enough for that."
I didn't recognize the thought at first but it was days later than it dawned on me! What the?!?! I went to counseling for 15 months for that exact mindset! Why do I often feel "less than" or go for "what's right in front of me" instead of holding out for something even better for me. I care about both of the men I was talking to. I can see their hearts are good and I think that has often gotten me in the trouble I've been in. You can't accept that in your own life just because you can see the good and potential. You have to take things as they really are.
Through me recognizing my thought and going to church on Sunday I have re-evaluated where my heart is. I was touched Sunday with the following scripture: 3 Nephi (Book of Mormon :) 1:8 "But behold, they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain." I felt like I also wanted to watch steadfastly for the day that the right man would come into my life and that all this hard work I put in my daily life would not be in vain. That I wouldn't be settling for someone who doesn't recognize my worth. The Spirit told me that I work very hard and try to be as faithful as I can and I need to find a man who does the same. Also, the quote I posted Sunday (post right before this one) touched my heart. I don't need to settle on being a cottage when Heavenly Father has something far better in store. I learned that if I wait I will get something better than I can plan myself. It was after church I felt the need to repent of being so angry with these men. I was wrong and I knew it. It was my fault for keeping hope where it shouldn't have been. It was also in that same prayer when I was ready to tell Heavenly Father that I am finally giving my will to him in that when He is ready to bless me with my companion I will trust that. I wanted to pray and say "if it is your will" but even that would have been cheating on my part. I already know it IS His will to bless me with that, I just don't know when. If I prayed and said "if" that would have been me having a little grudge in the prayer (which I wanted to!) but by me saying "when" I felt a release of it all. I am pleased with where I am and watch with faith for the day my companion will come. Because I have A LOT to offer him.
:) yes, you do.
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