Not Living

I don't feel like I'm living. I'm always so stressed out and trying to just survive. How do I "live" in this? The last month has been ridiculous. I have been struggling so bad emotionally and transitioning to being much busier. I struggle with the house because I am pretty positive I'm the only one who cares if we live in filth. Yesterday Braelyn noted, since she is on bathrooms this week, that we have a house full of pigs. She only said that because she is responsible for cleaning it up and pointed out that she cleaned it the day before. When I said it needs it again came her clever reply about pigs. I also believe we live in a house of piglets. So, I used to have major OCD and had to have every closet organized and clean, all the tile grout clean, the walls with paint touched up. You should seriously see this house. It's so gross. I do not have time to do those things anymore on a regular basis.

This past month I have obsessed about finding a husband. Major obsessed. I lost my peace. I have been struggling with finances and schedules and for the first time maybe ever, realized I need help. That is not a good feeling. I went to the temple last night for the first time in 3 weeks (it was shut down for two weeks) and I felt an immediate difference. I think the absence of attendance along with no break from my children, an insane and intense schedule the past month, and major emotional pressures weakened me and I found myself veering from my usual peace. I re-evaluated some things last night and am feeling a little more hopeful now. A little.

On a different note, I woke up this morning at 5:30 and stayed awake to tackle my day. I mean, when you wake up and start getting ready at that time shouldn't the day go pretty smooth? Isn't there a rule somewhere that states that?? Well, let's see. After the school drop offs I got home and had an hour to get Bentley ready before we had to take Ken to her doctor appointment. I had already showered and had my hair done (I say that bc it comes in as handy info later). While B ate his cereal I used my new touch up paint (attempt #2 to get the matching color) to cover up the wall in the kitchen. Still don't think it's the same color, ugh. Got him bathed and we were out the door to pick up Ken for the appt. Got to the doctor office and waited ONE  HOUR in the room to be seen. She came home early from school yesterday with an upset stomach so to have her out for this long wasn't planned on and she will miss tomorrow to go to Dallas- 3 days in a row not my favorite! Doctor came in to see us and was interrupted with an "emotionally unstable" patient screaming down the hall. Doctor came back in and basically asked me my opinions on the medication that she was the expert on. She also asked me what the plan of action would be as if I KNOW!! ;) We left the crazy place after an hour and a half being there and it was a torrential downpour outside. We got soaking wet and then Ken got mad at me on the way back to school bc I wouldn't take her home to fix her hair. ugh ugh ugh. Now we are back home and we have about 15 more minutes after finishing lunch before it's time to start picking girls up from school. I have not started work, I have a serious mountain of laundry to fold, then we have homework, showers, dinner, and all the kids need to pack for their dad's. I also told the older girls we would go get them another pair of jeans they didn't get before school started. Craziness. And now my hair is frizzy on top of it all! ;)

I need a vacation. Somewhere tropical would be nice. Where the Diet Dr Pepper flows freely and days go as planned. Somewhere where they have a spa and they do  your laundry for you.