We are Hogs

Me: "Who was the last to use the toilet paper and not replace it?"

Kensi fesses up

Bella comes in and says "We are hogs"

I agree

Bella: "WHAT??!!" in total disbelief.

I live with hogs. It's true.

This Weight

The weight I feel is so astronomically heavy. It's been a rough one.

Pretty Pants

Bentley picked up his pants the other night & while holding them said, "My pants are pretty."

UH oh.

I KNOW he didn't get that from me! I don't love my public pants right now.

Coming Up Short

This is not a pity-party. This 'just is what it is'...

No matter what I do each day I fail in some area or another. No matter what time I get up and how much energy I exert I fall short. It's overwhelming.

For the first time ever I am getting customers who want re-do's because I am making mistakes. A lot of them. For dumb reasons... except my brain is SO full all the time and there's so much going on all the time. Today I realized I put vinyl on a board upside down. Thankfully it was an easy fix to move the photo holders affixed on the back upside-down to make it all right side up.

Perhaps someone can turn my brain right-side-up and I can function again.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Nightmare Computer Part Deux:

After I downloaded the trial of Illustrator cs6 over the weekend I couldn't find a download for Cut Studio (which I need for my vinyl cutter) anywhere. I had to wait until this morning (Monday) to call Roland to ask about that. I quickly found out that they don't make a download for cs6 and they won't have one until late December. That wasn't even an option!

So, then I called Adobe. They had an hour wait. Glorious! You know why they have an hour wait?? Because they are monumental and the best in the world at what they do. I soon found out that my last version was cs3 and they don't have downloads for that version anymore. I told them I could even get cs5 and it would be compatible with my software (Cut Studio) but he told me they didn't have downloads for anything but cs6 now. After he crushed my hope I couldn't even keep the tears from coming. It felt over. You know how I mentioned that world-wide company that's best at what they do... and they couldn't get me a link to download anything but CS6. I have a hard time believing that!

I called my friend sobbing. My hope was gone and I couldn't even fathom up another option. If I took my old computer and the new one to the Apple store MAYBE they could transfer the broken old version of cs3 over but I couldn't do that with the migration assistance. That option is a 48 hour commitment and I have orders due tomorrow. Another option maybe would be to have Apple try to connect the old comp to the internet (problem to begin with two times over) but last time they did that it only lasted a week. THEN, if they could I would have to download missing plug-ins that I accidentally deleted last week when cleaning my hard drive up.  That was the best option I could think of. It was then I thought to call Bro Willis again to see if he had any advice. I was half teary on the phone which revealed my instability . He told me since I had a license from before he could get me the cs5 download. Yay, the light returned. For real. I felt calm. I called Roland one more time to make certain their download was compatible and it was. The tech even showed me where to find it on their site.

Now cs5 is downloaded and Cut Studio is back on. I did a test run and we are back up. After 6 long, hard, exhausting days. I feel elated.

For real, I am not a candidate for remodeling. When things aren't in their proper place and things don't function I fall apart. This trial was especially stressful because this is the busiest time of year for me and this business sustains our lives. By this morning I was merely "hanging on" to the knot at the end of that rope!

So grateful it's over. So grateful for those who support us! <3

We're On Holiday?

I'm quite thankful for the marquee at the Intermediate school. I drove by it yesterday & noticed it said the kids are out of school all next week.

I didn't know that!! Haha Yay for vacation.

My BIG Mac problems

I so dreaded the day when I'd have to get a new computer. Last January when Apple told me I'd eventually have to replace my dinosaur I just had hope that I'd be remarried before that happened. For the financial strain alone and the headache of the entire process. On my Mac I use Adobe Illustrator and a software for my vinyl cutter called Cut Studio. On Halloween all hell broke loose. I thought I had it fixed with connecting to the internet via wireless... that lasted one week to the day then went out. I just want to jot down how EVERY step of this process I have hit opposition. I can not believe how monstrous this has been for me and it's the fact that this is central to my business and is vital to income that we need that makes the situation SO incredibly stressful.

Halloween- internet stopped communicating with my computer via usb hot spot

2 days later Apple Store- associate told me he'd never seen anything like it (the issues) and he couldn't get it to connect wirelessly to their network or usb or via ethernet. After an hour his boss did something and it connected wirelessly. I came home and ordered wireless internet through ATT.

ATT painted a pretty & lovely picture of how easy it would be to just "switch" on the service election day and didn't mention I would need to be home and that a man would dig my back yard up and paint a bright orange line back there or be in my home (no shower for me and no make-up) for over an hour. I was told on the phone I could have a modem OR router. I secured a router but was told by dude that I HAD to have a modem. So I got one then found out it wasn't compatible to the ATT network. Had to go the next day and purchase a modem/router.

Connected to internet Wednesday (week after Halloween). Worked fine for one whole week.

Week later I lost all connections to internet on my computer. It wouldn't connect wirelessly, by usb, or by ethernet direct. I called att to make sure I was doing it right and had two different departments tell me I had the wrong number. After talking to the right girl she confirmed what I already knew and it wasn't their device but my dinosaur. :(

I then had lined up help to have men in my church who know what they're doing help me. No one could figure it out.

Jared got wind of my problem and offered to go with me to help me get a new one.

Thursday I was going to do that & was told to back up everything onto an external hard drive. Time Machine told me if I wanted to use the hard drive I plugged in that I'd have to wipe it clean. I had files on it and pictures so I went and bought a new one.

Got home and attempted to use Time Machine to back it up and it failed continuously three times. It was then that I decided to just save certain files and photos. 2 hours alone just for my pics.

I was also cleaning up my computer that day as well and somehow DELETED core components to my Illustrator program which in turn shut me down for business until I could connect to the internet to download plug ins for it. That computer won't connect. I haven't been able to cut vinyl since Thursday.

That night we went to Best Buy to get an iMac and they were sold out. They are in a transition and are out of the old model and waiting for the new to be released. ALL of Houston are sold out.

I laughed.

We listened to all of our options then we made a purchase.
Late that night a nice man came over and attempted to help me get the old one hooked to the internet and also get my new system set up. 3 hours later we still weren't connected to the internet and when he left he set up the old computer to transfer over to the new. That was 11:30pm.
He also told me he'd never seen anything like it. I should get a reward for screwing up my computer so bad. :(
14 hours later that transfer was still telling me "14 minutes remaining" and after asking I found out it had failed. I attempted that migration process 3 more times and each time failed. Each time I tried transferring over less and less but it didn't matter.
Went to bed Friday night with nothing new accomplished except I did turn on the new computer and start working from scratch to re-build settings and get myself familiar with it.
Saturday I tried the migration assistant again. Fail. Again. Fail. Again. Fail. I was totally done. Want to throw my hands up.
Got the suggestion from Bro Willis to download a temporary file of Illustrator that is good for 30 days then we can figure out getting my permanent one on in that time. Tried to download that three times and failed. A trial version! I researched and found my new system is compatible so it didn't make any sense. But in true fashion it kind of does! Everything has gone against me every step of the way. Well, there have been equally as good blessings along the way too.
I finally found a temporary version that I downloaded a different way that finished uploading at about 10 tonight (Saturday). Next I have to figure out how to get Cut Studio downloaded on here without a cd drive. I have the cd download for it but this new system doesn't have a cd drive. I can't cut vinyl until I have it.
Tonight I picked up the Office download from Jared & Shannon so I can get my paperwork back up.
Slowly progress is being made.
I still need to get my license from Adobe for my version of Illustrator. It was initially a download from online so I don't have the number I need. Of course.
I can see in the near future when I am up and running again that this new set up is going to be bigger and better than ever before and will be worth all of this I'm sure.

I have to say that my visiting teacher and friend, Tiffanie, has given me support this entire time. She calls me often to check on my computer progress and has offered help and solutions everyday. Her husband has been on the phone with me regarding issues and has given me advice and help. Brother Willis (from church) took time away from his family after staying late at work Thursday to help me with the beast. He was so kind. Jared and Shannon gave me such a touching gift of my new computer. They enabled me to provide for my family. The most touching part about what he did was that he didn't skimp on anything. He picked out the nicest equipment. That's what penetrated my heart. He gave me something that doesn't benefit him at all AND he incurred the debt of the purchase. He didn't cut corners and didn't skimp on cost. I feel inadequate of such a generous gift and it taught me a lot. I am so grateful. The kind acts I have received go beyond the opposition that is so CLEARLY evident in my life the past week. There is a force that does not want me to do this. Makes sense. I am a stay at home mom and this is my livelihood to support my babies. If I can't do this at home I have to go outside the home.
As I type I have two downloads going to restore programs.
Slowly and surely.
I WILL be back up and running soon.
I WILL.
I still love Macs, even when mine is a BIG problem.

Lorax App Gone Mad

Bentley has been on my phone, on The Lorax app. Can you tell?? :D

Mi Vida Loca

If you take medication for your heart I advise you not to read this post. 

If repeatedly using the word "then" is annoying to you, then,  please skip this post. :D

My day started at 5:15am. 

I showered and did my hair then read scriptures and said my prayer. THEN I stepped into the craziness.  I couldn't even wrap my brain around how to do it all but I prayed for help and moved forward. 

I printed out name-tags for an order to take to Mardel's to laminate along with a poster for Cali that was due today. Thank you for telling me last night child. ;)

Then I created 26 different decals on the computer for a customer who needed them this morning (she found out yesterday about a craft fair she got accepted to this weekend) and printed them out on the vinyl cutter. Then, I cut the name-tags out and got them ready to go. Then I left to take Ken & Cali to school. I ran into the gas station to get a soda and when I got out and looked in my mirror I realized I didn't even have my make-up on. That has NEVER happened. That's one indicator that I'm losing my mind. I dropped the girls off then went home and fed the baby and started loading my car with left-over items from the craft fair last month to sell in a boutique. It was at that point I realized 4 of the boards had spots that were missing the protective coat on top. I touched them all up and finished loading the car with the items. Then, it was time to peel the vinyl from the 26 decals and put application tape on them all. I also had to create and print off my customer's last three invoices. When that was all done I got Bentley's bag, that I asked his big sister to pack, ready to take to his dad's house today. I put ON my make up and got the boy ready. Today was Kensington's last day of school as she is going to be home-schooled from now on so she called and asked me to bring her three text books from home. Why not?! I'm heading to the school anyway after I laminate a poster so I will just drop it off then. During this time I also had the girl's dad text me and asked if we could still meet today after he cancelled last night. At that point it was 9 something and they were all at school and my day was nutso so ummm.... 

The baby and I ran to Mardel's, bought some glue sticks because we are out at our house of course, laminated our things then went to the school. We pulled Cali out for the afternoon, turned in the poster and the text books! Then I got a text from the baby's dad asking me to bring his jacket! Doh!!! That was at home! Also during this time my customer was texting me asking me to meet her with her decals so we figured out how to swap goods. It was completely nuts! HOWEVER, at this point it was 11 and the chaos was mostly done. I was able to do everything that HAD to be done, got the baby's jacket, dropped the order off, and was on my way to take Bentley downtown to his dad's. 

After we dropped him off, Cali and I headed to Porter, Texas (I just like using Texas in my sentence) to drop off our car load of items to the boutique. It was about a 30 minute drive from where we were. In their parking lot I took inventory of what I was leaving there since I had NO time to do this before hand. Cali helped me peel old price tags off as we sat there. Things that surely should have been done beforehand. ;)  I told them I would have to email them the list with the prices. Who does this!? I feel like I'm blown with the wind. We left there and I decided since I hadn't eaten anything all day that we would actually go sit down and eat. And breathe!  I had hoped when I saw Cracker Barrel off the freeway that it was the one my friend worked at and hoped she was there today. I was so happy to find her there so we were able to chat for a bit after our meal. 

This was a good girl bonding day for Cali & me. :) I pulled her out of school because she has super anxiety and is a worry wart and since she had prepared and told her afternoon teachers that she wouldn't be there today then her Dallas plans changed, she freaked out! She cried yesterday for approximately 3 hours about  how her teachers would think she lied about going to Dallas and how they would be upset. REALLY?! All of my practicality didn't seem to make a difference and this morning when she asked if I could still get her out early I wasn't willing to fight the battle. Guess what, I don't care today.  She had already made up her work! 

After we left we rushed back to our side of town and was late picking up Ken from school. We got home at 4:15 and I found a piece of wood in the garage and started painting it for a present for Bella to take at 5:30 to a birthday party. After putting two coats of paint on the board I called a customer to straighten out a problem with her new order. It was while I was on that call that Bella informed me the party started at 5:00 and not 5:30. Oh great, it was time to go now! haha 

Dropped her off and informed the friend that I would bring her present when I picked Bella up (at 7, not 7:30 hehehe) and then I went through the car wash and caught up with someone I care about while getting my Stella clean. Then, came home and did the vinyl for the present and got that ready to go. Then I loaded the previous post's pics on here via my phone then went and got Bella. I'm now back home and am so tired, I feel like it's midnight. I still need to do a few things for work but it shouldn't be a late night. 

Tomorrow isn't as bad but it's pretty busy as well. Good grief! My life is ridiculous. Today was a good day though believe it or not. I have felt very happy! 

Ghetto Rigged

Seriously, I ghetto rig everything. That's not an offensive term, right? 

Last week when my world started to be turned upside down my little safety pin that holds my car seat buckle up disappeared,  I can't even express how much that drove me mad. It drove me nuts every time my buckle would slip ALL the way down to the floor when I would get in and out of the car. The button that was originally there broke long ago and I replaced it with a cute silver safety pin with cutesy ribbon. 

This week I found one tiny gold ugly safety pin. Works like a charm! 

Now, my buckle is just where it's supposed to be. Nice and in my reach! :D

Do you notice anything unique about this coffee table? Does anything look out of place? 

Probably not, right! 

That's because when Bentley flipped it over and onto a toy and put a HOLE in it I realized I could super-glue this coaster right over the hole and no one would ever know! 

haha Works for me! Better than an ugly hole! 

I currently rigged Brae's bed frame but don't have a pic for that. My computer is rigged to the hilt. The screen is broken and the battery is blown so it's now run through a desktop monitor being plugged in all day. Grateful it works! 

Brain exercise is good! 

hope

“Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there's no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.”
― Laini Taylor

Election

I wish I could convey how heartbroken I feel over the election. I believed in  Mitt Romney so much. I know he was qualified to lead our country into better days. I love that he's a moral and good man that values the same principles I value of marriage, family & hard work just to name a few. I sat and watched the results last night and felt sick. I bawled like a baby. You know the ugly, loud cry that occurs when something really hurts. In one way I am not surprised at all that the "majority" want Obama because that's how wicked our society is but the other side of me is shocked because I thought Romney had a real shot!

I couldn't go to sleep last night I was so upset and when I woke up this morning I felt sick to my stomach. It was kind of like a bad dream.

What is really incredible with this whole process was that when I prayed for Romney before Election Day came I felt the Spirit of the Lord testify that it was good. And last night as I was sitting on my couch watching the results come in and as Obama pulled ahead I felt the Spirit so strongly. And as he got more and more I felt the Spirit even more. That means everything to me. It shows me that no matter what the Lord is with me and He knows. And this family is His. No matter how ugly it continues to get, we will be Ok because we are in His hands.

This election felt like good verses evil to me. Good didn't win. This time. We are in the last days and scripture is being fulfilled and ultimately I know good has already won. I am so excited for the day when we have exclusive peace. 

.

Teacher Conferences

Yesterday the kids were able to stay home for Election Day and for Parent/Teacher Conferences. I was able to go in and meet with Bella's teachers and it was such a sweet experience. School has always come pretty easy to the older three girls but Bella has struggled a lot in the past two years. I was humbled before even going in to talk to her teachers because I was bracing myself for what they may say. I recognize the need for us to do more at home to help and went in with that attitude. What I received was far greater than I was prepared for. Right away her teacher wanted to tell me one of her "Bella stories". She told me she has lots. Both ladies raved about  how sweet Bella is and how good she is. They told me about this time that the kids in her class found out Bella's password for an online math game they play and a bunch of them logged on and got points for Bella. The next day when Bella got her name on the board for high points in the math game and was going to get a candy prize she burst into tears and went in the hallway for quite a while before she would tell the teacher that she felt it was dishonest to accept credit, points and the candy because she didn't do the work. Her teachers used the words "honest, integrity, character, hard worker" to describe her. I truly feel that these teachers "see" my girl. They told me not to judge Bella off the grades I see because she is working her butt off. They told me to love her and encourage her. Feels very different from last year. I was so touched by such a simple gift yesterday. I'm so thankful for good teachers who love their students. We are blessed.

She is my quirkiest girl by far but she has a golden heart and 

I love her so much!! 

Halloween

Holidays

Holidays are hard. Still

How This Made Me Angry

Can you tell the difference between these two? 

I borrowed a big pop up tent when I did the craft fair booth and a piece of it broke. I ordered a new piece and according to my papa it was going to be easy to screw it in when it arrived. 

I got the new piece in and I lined up help for Monday to help me.... BUT Sunday I had borrowed an allen wrench for something else and while I had it I thought I'd just pop the tent up and try to replace the part myself so my friend wouldn't need to come over and help me the next day. 

Oh man... I think I spent an hour outside with that tent,  not in a very nice mood, in the cold, on a chair, kept dropping the tool and the screw. I could NOT get the screw to screw in. I would look at the other poles to see if I had it in correctly, which I did. I tried so hard. Then, after much time I had this thought to see if the new replacement pole had the same hole width as the old poles did. Can you tell in the picture that the pole hole on the left is much smaller?? The screw won't even fit through it! What kind of replacement part is that!?!? I was SO mad. 

I called the company yesterday. They wanted pictures of the defective piece even though according to them "ahh yes, I see it has been a complaint lately that this is happening." I sent them the pictures and now I wait until they get the new parts in. It wouldn't be so bad if this were my tent but it's borrowed. 

Next time I may look in advance to make sure the parts are the same before I go to fix something. GRRRRRR! :D

Bentley loves The Lorax

This is from the movie, The Lorax. This plays on the dvd as the main menu comes up. He was cracking me up!!!

Lately in Pics

Kensi stayed home from school yesterday to help me with the baby. I worked for 10.5 hours and got SOOOO much done. I so appreciated her help.

Christmas in October. Love it.

Sarah & Brae

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Stunning!!!

Stud Muffin

He fell asleep with his shades on. So cute!

Playing under the table. Moments like these make my heart happy.

The Texas sky from one of my favorite places in Texas, Buc-ees :D

Bella :)

I gave Bella and Cali a double airplane ride. Looks like Cali is choking Bella. Oops. 

We were able to ride around with little Mitt in our Wal Mart cart. :D

I'm Up To My Ears in Poop

I'm not surprised any more!!

My boy does this everyday!

Yes, someone pooped in the hallway, it was Bentley!!!

And I'm always HOME when he does it! 

Every day my boy poops in his diaper then sticks his hand in it and gets it everywhere. :(
It is making it EXTREMELY hard to work.
How am I supposed to take care of a 2 year old and get any work done?
 I am starting to have chest problems because it weighs so heavily on me.
Work is out of control busy and I am really struggling. Is this a good time to potty train or would that just be more hardships?

I need help.
At least he loves Texas! My little naked cowboy!

High/lo

Highlights of this day:
Getting a brake job!! No more intense squeakiness! Score!!

Dance party to assorted satellite tv music with my two youngest!! Fun to do classical ballet and hip hop at 7pm.

Low points:(

I worked for less than 30 minutes and came down to find poo and pee on the floor.

3 times the boy got a bath today bc he sticks his hands in his poopy diaper. What am I doing wrong and how am I supposed to work?

Health

My heart hurts for parents who have babies with cancer. Babies of any age. I can't imagine what it feels like to watch your child hurt. Or be poked & prodded. I'm so sorry to families who go through this. I feel like, personally, if we have the Savior & our health & we are together, everything is ok. No matter the trial. I pray for a cure for cancer. <3

Exceptional Day

I took the day off. It was amazing! I went back to sleep after Brae went to seminary. I slept as long as I could before school. It felt great! As I woke Bentley up to drive the girls he was super cuddly and all wrapped up in a fuzzy blank. I loved it. He was a burrito for awhile. He & I ran errands with the windows down & enjoyed the 60 degree weather. We went to the park to play. He sat on my lap to swing. He laughed. We saw the ducks bathe themselves. He laughed. We went down the slide together. I hurt my shoulder, he laughed. "Again." We went for a bike ride. We watched a movie on the couch. He was extra cuddly today. We all had a good dinner & fhe with my favorite dessert. At the end of the day Ken came into my room to tell me something and as she left she said "I love you mom". My heart is so full. Many small things , very exceptional day. <3

Pressure Cooking

I don't think there's ever been a time in my life where I've felt as much continual & intense pressure as I have in the last six weeks. I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker. :( I am humbled at how weak and inadequate I feel. On top of all the pressures with raising my kids, scheduling, work, church, social, house, I feel like I've been pelted constantly with different situations that require me to turn the other cheek (or get really upset) and forgive. I feel like every week is getting more intense & heavier.

Some things gotta' give. It may be my sanity. In a very real way.

Vulnerability, Revelation, & Submitting Our Wills

This post may be the most vulnerable post I've written. I feel like it's important to write it down and maybe someone else will benefit from it too.

Over the past month I have been praying and pondering really hard over someone from my past and whether there should still be "hope" in that relationship to have it move forward. At one point in time I loved this person and thought he was a gift from God to help me in my situation. When we started dating I wasn't really "ready" and did it anyway and as I moved forward in our relationship I felt Heavenly Father constrain me right there. When it was hard with my girls (not wanting me to date) the Spirit kept me right there because it was the right thing to do. Through that experience as well as me feeling like he was a "gift to help me" and I loved him very much, I thought we'd get married. Things took a turn different than what I had thought and expected earlier this year and we have been apart since then. That brings us to the present and there has been communication between us and a new "hope".

During this time I was also talking to someone else I was interested in and had been attracted to for a few years. I was excited. But as we talked more I grew more concerned over some things about him that were less than what I hoped for. I didn't turn the "hope" away though as perhaps I should have.

So, at this same time my cute niece was telling me about her boyfriend. It's new love and he's awesome. He is a returned missionary and cute as can be and treats her well! As I was pondering my situation with these two men I was thinking about my niece and how she has a really great guy and why I can't have what she has and the thought came to me "you don't deserve that kind of guy". It was a thought like "your situation is different than hers and you are going to have to settle because you're just not good enough for that."

I didn't recognize the thought at first but it was days later than it dawned on me! What the?!?! I went to counseling for 15 months for that exact mindset! Why do I often feel "less than" or go for "what's right in front of me" instead of holding out for something even better for me. I care about both of the men I was talking to. I can see their hearts are good and I think that has often gotten me in the trouble I've been in. You can't accept that in your own life just because you can see the good and potential. You have to take things as they really are.

Through me recognizing my thought and going to church on Sunday I have re-evaluated where my heart is. I was touched Sunday with the following scripture: 3 Nephi (Book of Mormon :) 1:8  "But behold, they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain." I felt like I also wanted to watch steadfastly for the day that the right man would come into my life and that all this hard work I put in my daily life would not be in vain. That I wouldn't be settling for someone who doesn't recognize my worth. The Spirit told me that I work very hard and try to be as faithful as I can and I need to find a man who does the same. Also, the quote I posted Sunday (post right before this one) touched my heart. I don't need to settle on being a cottage when Heavenly Father has something far better in store. I learned that if I wait I will get something better than I can plan myself. It was after church I felt the need to repent of being so angry with these men. I was wrong and I knew it. It was my fault for keeping hope where it shouldn't have been. It was also in that same prayer when I was ready to tell Heavenly Father that I am finally giving my will to him in that when He is ready to bless me with my companion I will trust that. I wanted to pray and say "if it is your will" but even that would have been cheating on my part. I already know it IS His will to bless me with that, I just don't know when. If I prayed and said "if" that would have been me having a little grudge in the prayer (which I wanted to!) but by me saying "when" I felt a release of it all. I am pleased with where I am and watch with faith for the day my companion will come. Because I have A LOT to offer him.

Much More Than a Cottage

The following quote from C.S. Lewis was read at church today & it touched my heart. Perhaps I've been content in my mindset on being a cottage. I think this is really beautiful.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”


― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Rock-Star Race Girl

Bella has an interest in running. She is good at it too. :) 

In P.E. every year the kids are given a choice the first 9 weeks to do a color page of a healthy dinner or if they want to participate in the Klein ISD marathon. Bella really wanted to run this race. 

This is her and a friend warming up. You notice the sun barely rising. That's bc it starts at the butt crack of dawn on a Saturday morning. 

 I was so touched watching my little girl run. 

She ran fast. 

So fast! 

She passed up kids the whole time. She passed kids in the group that started before her too. 

 See her hauling booty in this shot below:

 My baby girl after the race. They even randomly gave her MY favorite #

I was so proud of her for her efforts! 

Success! 

<3

Patience is Hard Work

As you know I've been pondering patience still. A friend and I talked a little about patience and how it adds to your character and we established that patience is "hard work" and therefore once you receive whatever it is you are being patient over it will be more appreciated and rewarding. Because we worked for it.

I can attest to it being hard work. So, obviously I'm sure, my trial is finding a companion. The right one.  This trial is extremely hard on me. I have realized for the first time lately that this is truly out of my control. It's scary to think I may be in this situation for the rest of my earth life. I have no control. Therefore, I have two options. I can be optimistic, hopeful, patient, faithful and trust that in time I will find the one OR I can do what comes naturally and be sad, despairing, bitter, grumpy, mad, pissed, hurt and have a bad attitude. To choose the first takes a lot of work. Seriously, I am so sad. Every time something doesn't work out with someone it takes a little more from my heart. I have to work to have faith and to trust. It is something that literally occurs within me.

Sounds a lot like working out my salvation, don't you think. To choose to be hopeful and positive I am becoming a little more like Christ. And through him we have everything.

A Tribute to Taxi Drivers

I am so happy this day is over. Here is a run down of my day:

Read at your own risk.

Cali, Ken, & Bentley were already gone from home.
5:40 wake up naturally
6:30 alarm goes off
7am take Bella to her first race at the high school
8am finish up race
go get drinks, take one to a friend
make muffins & change to mow the lawn
burn muffins ;(
9am-mow lawn
2nd coat of paint on 6 boards
shower for day
work
11:15 talk to good friend in driveway, leave Braelyn key to lock up as she is about to go w/ friend
11:30 go to grocery store
12- drop  Bella off at friend's house
12:10 bring groceries home and find out I'M LOCKED OUT b/c Ken & Brae have both house keys and Brae locked the garage door too :/ grrrrr
12:15 go get key from Brae who is at the church
12:30 get back home, unload groceries, eat lunch quickly
12:50 leave to pick up Cali at her friend's house which is further than what I thought
1:15 get back and clean parts of the house bc a friend was coming to help w/ repairs in the bathroom
1:45 work
get phone calls & texts about picking up Ken & Annie (niece) and also to pick up Bella
2:15 friend over to help with repairs, print out a nametag for the ward dinner International meal I was planning (taquitos) haha
finish up a board
2:45 go get Ken, Annie, Rylan- Brae gets a ride home then gets locked out bc I had her key
drop Ken, Annie, Rylan back off at home, let Brae in to get her book... and
3 pick up Bella then go get Bentley downtown
get to pick up Bella and she was in her friend's bathing suit and dripping wet. Leave her there to swim longer. Tell her I will be back at 4:15 to get her.
leave to go to downtown at 3
DID NOT GET TO DOWNTOWN UNTIL 4:35!!!! Trip down was an hour more than usual due to a major accident which shut down 3 of 4 lanes. It took an hour to go 5 miles. :( Not happy!
4:35 pick up Bentley, change his dirty diaper, go potty in the hot dog place, leave
5:15 pick up Bella from her friend's, run home
5:25 stick in taquitos to bake, get kids ready, get myself ready, hammer in pins to a board to take with me
5:50 leave for ward party at church
6 ward party. sit. breathe. find Bentley. eat more. find Bentley. eat. eat. eat.
7:30 leave church, take Ry and Annie home. Come home.
7:45 friend back over to finish repairs. Do dishes. kids fold laundry.
8 watch tv
8:45 type this
9 go to bed! ;)

I was in such a rancid mood today. This day sucked. I know I'm not alone in being a taxi driver to my kids. Usually I'm much happier to do it too. I'm exhausted today and I hate Saturdays. They are chaotic and the kids all have agendas and I have things that need to get done and a trip to downtown is always included in this day. It's just a lot. A lot of pressure. Plus today I am so mad at men. So mad. I am grateful today is done with and will never rear it's ugliness again. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I used to wake up on Saturdays and ponder what exciting things we would do that day. What happened to that??!!!!!!

This was what I-45 looked like today for 90 minutes. I'm not even lying. It was a parking lot. 

:( 

See all the taxi drivers?? 

Access Denied

Hahaha denied. No more BBQ spills.

Sweetness

Look how sweet. He smelled good too because he dumped his big sister's lotion all over their bedroom floor.

Where is his mother, you ask? I'm trying to run my very busy business and was working on vinyl orders.

Tonight, for Family Home Evening we all scrubbed the kitchen grout. I promise this is way too good to even make up, Bentley threw his plate of hot dog & ketchup onto the clean floor.

This is still the same day that I cleaned the carpet & he dumped sauce on it. Just making sure y'all realize that. I'm ready for bed!

Destroyer of All Things but One

My two year old is the destroyer of all things. He terrorizes every room and every wall. Today, he dumped a bottle of BBQ Sauce on my carpet. Two hours after I cleaned it. I waited months to make time to clean it and I did it finally this morning.

He pulled out about 5 of my big vinyl rolls yesterday & crumpled them all up. He sticks his hand in and/or pulls poo out of his diaper daily. He truly is the destroyer of all things...but not my heart. Man, this boy brings so much joy (believe it) to our family. He sings many songs and this morning he touched Kensi's face & said "you're pretty".

Can someone bring over a nugget for me to dip in this sauce? The floor is clean. ;) ugh. I seriously (no lie) have to go bc he just brought a diaper downstairs and is attempting to put it on.

Salvation

My last blog post I was asking why patience & trust in God is important and what those actions do within us. I was reading my scriptures yesterday morning and came across two verses that I felt the Spirit touch my heart and I believe I received some of the answer to my question.

I am reading Mosiah in the Book of Mormon and King Benjamin is speaking to his people. Chapter 3 verses 17-19 teach us: And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the chlidren of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent. For behold he judgeth, and his judgment is just; and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy; but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children, and believe that salvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the atoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent. For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. 

I added the italics to show what struck me. I believe that trusting God and exercising patience is connected to our salvation through Christ's Atonement. I believe I learned in these verses that as we submit to the will of the Lord patiently we are becoming as a child and are becoming like Christ. As I pondered this today it makes sense because Jesus is the ultimate example of One who showed patience and trust.

Mosiah 4:6 (latter part of the verse) & 7 ...the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life, I meant the life of the mortal body- I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even until the end of the world. 

When we show trust, we show faith. This verse taught me to continue in faith is to receive salvation. So, trusting in God and having patience is the very way to the Celestial Kingdom. I still want to know more, but this was a wonderful experience to learn in the scriptures and I feel uplifted. :)

Why & What

Do you ever wonder why patience is a virtue? In all honesty I've been pondering lately what we gain from being patient and why is it any different when you get something right away and you wait for it? There has to be something the process is doing in our soul rather than just learning "patience" itself. What is it? I know God is a patient being and we are supposed to be like Him.

What does trusting God do for us? I'm not mocking the principle or questioning it even, I'm wondering what we gain when we trust God. I know it is by faith that we trust and show action that we are trusting Him but what are we gaining by doing so? It also must do something within us and define who we are becoming but I want to know what...

I've also been noticing a lot lately how vulgar some women can be. I've seen several instances on Facebook lately and came across something disturbing on Pinterest about something inappropriate a woman said. It's disgusting. Where is virtue??

Cell Phone Madness

I looked through all the cell phone pics and made a couple collages:

Chris Farley shots

FISH LIPS!!!! 

 I liked these of me:

The Perfect Dream

I believe certain events in our daily lives remain in our sub-conscience and we dream about it. Last week I read something on Facebook about how at times our dreams are so good we don't want to wake up. Then, yesterday I was texting an old friend about the words "i love you" and how I missed hearing those words. So, I guess these two were both on my mind as I slept. I woke up this morning happy! I had this amazing dream that I was dating who appeared to be "Channing Tatum". Yep! Should I indulge in details. Oh yes please. I don't often dream about dating Channing.

Two things stood out.
1) we had the most passionate embrace (calm down Aunt Bert and mom) in front of a parked car in the street on a bridge and I jumped (into his arms, not off the bridge) and he held me and I whispered in his ear while leaning my head on his shoulder that "I've loved you for a long time" and it was real and deep. I was very attracted to him.

obviously. duh.

2) (loved this part too) I walked into a room and he was sitting at a table with his friends and all the chairs were taken. He "beckoned" me to sit on his knee. (heart melting still) It meant a lot to me bc he wanted me there with him and his friends. He wanted me.

Dang hard to wake up after that one!! Honestly though I seek someone who loves me and my babes, someone I'm attracted to, and someone who will be faithful to me. I'm not looking for C.T.... he's taken anyway...

Laugh Out Loud

"Cali just gave me a vicious massage and almost killed my life." 

Today I transferred over 900 pics from my cell to my computer! Holy holy! These kids go crazy with the camera on my phone! I haven't had a chance to look at them all yet but I found this gem and HAD to share. Oh my!!


I die laughing when the baby comes on dancing! Every time I watch it. Good stuff!!

Not Living

I don't feel like I'm living. I'm always so stressed out and trying to just survive. How do I "live" in this? The last month has been ridiculous. I have been struggling so bad emotionally and transitioning to being much busier. I struggle with the house because I am pretty positive I'm the only one who cares if we live in filth. Yesterday Braelyn noted, since she is on bathrooms this week, that we have a house full of pigs. She only said that because she is responsible for cleaning it up and pointed out that she cleaned it the day before. When I said it needs it again came her clever reply about pigs. I also believe we live in a house of piglets. So, I used to have major OCD and had to have every closet organized and clean, all the tile grout clean, the walls with paint touched up. You should seriously see this house. It's so gross. I do not have time to do those things anymore on a regular basis.

This past month I have obsessed about finding a husband. Major obsessed. I lost my peace. I have been struggling with finances and schedules and for the first time maybe ever, realized I need help. That is not a good feeling. I went to the temple last night for the first time in 3 weeks (it was shut down for two weeks) and I felt an immediate difference. I think the absence of attendance along with no break from my children, an insane and intense schedule the past month, and major emotional pressures weakened me and I found myself veering from my usual peace. I re-evaluated some things last night and am feeling a little more hopeful now. A little.

On a different note, I woke up this morning at 5:30 and stayed awake to tackle my day. I mean, when you wake up and start getting ready at that time shouldn't the day go pretty smooth? Isn't there a rule somewhere that states that?? Well, let's see. After the school drop offs I got home and had an hour to get Bentley ready before we had to take Ken to her doctor appointment. I had already showered and had my hair done (I say that bc it comes in as handy info later). While B ate his cereal I used my new touch up paint (attempt #2 to get the matching color) to cover up the wall in the kitchen. Still don't think it's the same color, ugh. Got him bathed and we were out the door to pick up Ken for the appt. Got to the doctor office and waited ONE  HOUR in the room to be seen. She came home early from school yesterday with an upset stomach so to have her out for this long wasn't planned on and she will miss tomorrow to go to Dallas- 3 days in a row not my favorite! Doctor came in to see us and was interrupted with an "emotionally unstable" patient screaming down the hall. Doctor came back in and basically asked me my opinions on the medication that she was the expert on. She also asked me what the plan of action would be as if I KNOW!! ;) We left the crazy place after an hour and a half being there and it was a torrential downpour outside. We got soaking wet and then Ken got mad at me on the way back to school bc I wouldn't take her home to fix her hair. ugh ugh ugh. Now we are back home and we have about 15 more minutes after finishing lunch before it's time to start picking girls up from school. I have not started work, I have a serious mountain of laundry to fold, then we have homework, showers, dinner, and all the kids need to pack for their dad's. I also told the older girls we would go get them another pair of jeans they didn't get before school started. Craziness. And now my hair is frizzy on top of it all! ;)

I need a vacation. Somewhere tropical would be nice. Where the Diet Dr Pepper flows freely and days go as planned. Somewhere where they have a spa and they do  your laundry for you.

Piggyback Prayers

This morning I made an effort to say a prayer (by myself!!!) in my quiet place without kids. I knelt down and begun then quickly heard the door open and little footsteps get closer. Then Bentley climbed up onto my back and stayed there throughout the duration of my prayer. I smile because it's funny and I know God is smiling too. Piggyback prayers will too quickly pass. Perhaps it will be then that I will climb on Bentley's back when he says his prayers. ;)

Crossroads

I remember several years back during General Conference one of the apostles or possibly President Hinckley spoke about being home, as a mother, at the "crossroads" for your kids. This came to mind as I was praying tonight. That's been the desire of my heart all along & I often lose sight of that. No matter the struggle, I am doing it. I am doing what's most important to me.

A special blessing this week has been Kensington talking to me. She got in the car yesterday with notes written (on her hand, of course) down that she wanted to tell me about. Random things about her day that she didn't want to forget. One thing was about how her teacher teases her for liking the Cowboys. Tonight she came downstairs to talk to me about a phone call she made. It's a new development and means so much & makes me quite happy. :D

Miraculous

Finances are my biggest stress. August was ridiculous to say the least with getting four kids ready to go back to school. My main source of income comes to me two times a month and August I only got paid one of the two. Seriously looking back over the last three weeks makes my stomach sick with how much pressure was on me. I just want to document how miraculous it is that my checking account did not go in the negative. Seriously, miraculous. I am amazed at how Heavenly Father is in the smallest details in my life. On my own I make a real mess out of things. It is by grace that all is well with me and with us. I know it. I see it in my daily life. The miracles did not occur in big flashes of splendor but they came as very small measures that kept my account in the black and they kept occurring. I can't believe that I made it through that and in wild hope I hope I never have to go through anything like it again. But I'm sure I will. I think it comes with the territory. I know God is with me. I am so thankful He is. 

I felt inspired last week through a dream and through my sister the following day to "look at the big picture". Since that day I see it everywhere... "look at the big picture". I am trying to be obedient and do the things I should be doing with raising my babies. I truly wish I could provide a little better and easier so the pressure would ease but it's almost out of my control. For now I will try to remember the things that matter most each day. 

Sweetness

I know I post a lot about the boy but two is going by too fast! I want to write it all down so we can look back and remember.

Bentley has a new obsession with getting "snacks" on my arms. He starts off by pretending to eat a snack. He will tell us it's a cookie, or brownie, or ice cream. It is all well and good until he bites down and leaves a bruise.

He has been sleeping in my bed lately. Like every night. I never thought I'd be one of those parents who would let my child sleep with me but I got kind of addicted after the first couple times. I LOVE cuddling with him to fall asleep. We sing lots of songs. He is learning the words to those songs while we sing at night. It's very sweet. Out of the blue the other night he rolled over and told me "I love you momma". I loved it. He often will tell me after we talk "ok momma". It is so sweet. Tonight he was talking about the sky and said "airplanes, copters, bright, glasses" all in one sentence. It was so sweet. He tells me during the day that it's so bright and I will hand him some sunglasses. He is so smart.

Today we were dropping off some bags of clothes to Goodwill and the guy came out to help me and looked at my Cowboys sticker and made a comment about it like everyone does. I got back in my car and Bentley had over heard our convo bc he said...

B: "like Cowboys"
me: "yea, we like the Cowboys"
B: "daddy like the Cowboys"
me: "does daddy like the Cowboys"
B: "Bentley likes the Cowboys"
me: "aww yea Bentley and mommy like the Cowboys"
B: "Bentley likes cows"

haha hahaha interesting evolution of conversation!!! :D

He makes my heart happy. My girls make my heart happy.

The girls are doing well with the transition to school. It is so busy, but good. I finally got all the school supply shopping done today (about a week and a half into school). ugh. and yay!

A Facebook Post

Being a single mom is so hard! It is mind-boggling to me how to make x amount of dollars stretch to cover a+b. It is kind of like childbirth. It seems there is no way a watermelon can squeeze through an orange. It eventually does, it's just painful! This is just like that!

Bentley wishes he was at the 1st Day of School!

These were taken on the girls first day of school.

He cried on the 2nd and 3rd day of school.

When Bella leaves.

And when Ken & Cali leave.

And when we leave Bella after eating lunch with her.

:(

He would cry when Brae leaves but she leaves at 5:45am.

Bentley

Bentley fell asleep going to get Braelyn. He actually stayed asleep from the transfer into the house. :) I love moments like this. I have one of  him sleeping on me at like 5 months and it's really special. I had Brae snap this shot so we could remember. 

Cali re-enacted for us how she is a "wallflower" at school and does this against the wall when walking down the halls with all the kids! Then Bentley wanted to join in the re-enactment! 

Bentley loves his "girls"